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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29315952">Holiest Sinner</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foxsir/pseuds/Foxsir'>Foxsir</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Body Dysmorphia, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Depression, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Priest, Relapsing, Religious Conflict, Religious Imagery &amp; Symbolism, Sinner, Trauma, Violence, mlm, priestxsinner</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:21:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>26,959</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29315952</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foxsir/pseuds/Foxsir</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A new town and a new life were ahead of the young priest. His first real  job as a priest and he was unsure about doing well. Concentrating on his work was the most important thing but what should he do about the shadows haunting him?<br/>The tiny spark of disbelief in all he was taught all his life?<br/>Next to his fears was this person he should look after.<br/>How was he supposed to not get lost?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi and hello, I hope you have a lot of fun with this lovely story ^^. Comments and criticism are appreciated.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Take breaks while reading, do something nice before and after and have fun.</p><p>This book is meant to make you very attached to the characters and there are a lot of emotional ups and downs.<br/>Please always take care of your mental health first</p><p>••••</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><br/>Sunshine hit his face and his smile was as uncomfortably bright.<br/>Too positive for his sister, who drove him to his new flat.<br/>A small two-and-a-half-room flat owned by a lovely elderly lady with a warm smile.<br/>Instead of a handshake to congratulate him on his new place, she hugged him tightly.<br/>She was so delicate and small in his arms and he didn't know what to do with them, his arms.<br/>They were long and he never knew what to do with his hands.<br/>Before he was able to decide whether he should lay his hands on her shoulders, the hug had ended and his sister waved goodbye to him.<br/>Overwhelmed by the hug and his inability to react fastly in new situations, he realized pretty late that his sister was gone and he was alone.<br/>Gabe was very relieved that he didn't have more than a sports bag and a suitcase with him.<br/>Not because he as a priest can’t own much, it's rather he chose a more minimalistic start.<br/>A new begin.<br/>After all, it is his duty as a Skeldon.<br/>The family who had many priests in its line.<br/>A family tree full of Christians.</p><p>One deep breath.<br/>Counting down from four to zero.<br/>After the door of his flat closed shut, he exhaled.<br/>Letting go of the tension in his body.<br/>Finally being able to rest, he laid down on his bed.<br/>Smelling a flowery scent on his pillow.<br/>It was welcoming.<br/>His mind wandered swiftly and looked at every thought that he couldn’t keep.<br/>All worries about the next morning and the townsfolk were fading into a dark mist.<br/>Gabriel was tired.<br/>How long he has slept in the end was unknown to him.<br/>He woke up because of a soft knock against his door.<br/>Mrs Patton, his landlady, offered him to eat dinner with her in her flat and he gladly took the offer.<br/> <br/>In her kitchen, he felt homely and Gabe didn't understand why.<br/>Was the reason that he missed his grandma?<br/>The woman he rarely saw, but who gave him the safety he needed.<br/>Gabe loved the days when they’ve sat in her kitchen and ate the cookies she had made for him.<br/>The memories aligned with the moment.<br/>Experiencing the urge to cry.<br/>His grandma was amazing and he missed her so much.<br/>The elderly woman made him feel like he was back in his grandma's kitchen.<br/>It felt like a long lost home he forgot existed.<br/>Mrs Patton didn't ask him if he unpacked or if he felt at home yet.<br/>Which he thought was odd, but it was relieving.<br/>Neither did he unpack yet nor know how he felt.<br/>She already talked about the town and he swallowed the soup in silence.</p><p>She lived alone in the big house, which Gabe thought was kinda depressing.<br/>Her children have stopped coming to visit a while ago.<br/>If her niece and nephew were alright was unknown to her.<br/> <br/>"I guess", she expressed, "they leave me here to die."<br/> <br/>Feeling sorry, he wanted to respond in some way with kind words.<br/>But his tongue-tied.<br/>Gulping down a knot of sorrow.<br/> <br/>"You don't need to feel bad for me", she remarked as she saw his sorrowful eyes.<br/>"Thanks to Fay and you too I'm not alone."<br/>Her warm smile relaxed him.<br/> </p><p>Ahead of the first glow of the rising sun was Gabe, already in the chapel.<br/>Reading through old notebooks from the former priest, Father Theodore.<br/> <br/>I would love to know if his work as a priest was as messy as his notes, pondered the young man.<br/>Working himself through the unorganised notes of the previous priest.<br/>Grumbling over the hours he would need to put into organizing everything.<br/>What a good start to his work.<br/>He still needed to write down his phone number and e-mail for the townsfolk.<br/>Thanks to Mrs Patton he knew that teenagers were living in town and the wifi wasn’t as horrible as he expected.</p><p>After seeing the mess of notebooks the former priest had left behind, Gabe took some of them and sat with them in front of the altar.<br/>The sun was slowly rising and the town did so too.<br/>No scenario in his head involved someone coming right after sunrise.<br/>Maybe on holidays, but it was a normal weekday.<br/>And yet, the heavy sound of a church door opening resonated in the building.<br/>An uncomfortable shiver ran down his back.<br/>Closing the notebook and moving to the displeasing sound of high heels.<br/>Stern looking and probably around the age of his mother was the woman greeting him.<br/>As for the presence of his mother, hers was cold and made him uncomfortable.<br/>If she looked a bit different he could have mistaken this woman for her.<br/>There was no need for mind reading.<br/>He understood already that she didn't like him.</p><p>Her looks and body language spoke volumes she would never speak out loud.<br/>Neat and tidy appearance and a fake smile to hide behind when gossip was around.<br/>Gabe was familiar with this type of person too well.<br/>Hurtful gossip and rumours have been spread around him before.<br/>There was no room to let it happen again.<br/>She was as fake as the extensions in her hair.<br/>Gabe wouldn't be surprised if she'd ask him about conversion therapy and other nonsense he didn't support.<br/>As she stood before him, he smiled the oscar worthy smile he had worked on for years.</p><p>"Good morning, Father.”<br/>Straight white teeth glowed in the light flashing through the stained glass.<br/>Paired with her fake appearance, he felt sick in the stomach.</p><p>"Good morning, dear, what can I help you with today?”<br/>The young priest was uncomfortable in front of her, watching her scanning him from head-to-toe.</p><p>"For today, I have nothing to ask. I simply wanted to get to know our new priest.”</p><p>She introduced herself as Barbara Jenkins and gave him an unnecessarily long speech about her family, the church's tradition and most importantly herself.<br/>Her kids were, from what he could decipher from the information overload, young adults with the doubtless best names to get bullied for in a non-catholic school.<br/>Philomena and Balthasar worried her as they were not interested in catholicism. <br/>After her words, the best and only true religion.<br/>They exclusively got nonsense in their heads like wanting to leave the church.<br/>With luring words she hoped to make them believe and convert them back but her tries were hopeless.<br/>At that moment he didn't want to get her hopes down.<br/>He’d try his best, he said without thinking it'll work.</p><p>I appreciate them trying to catholicize their lives but it's not good for their children.<br/>They might get religious trauma and will be scared of catholicism or any kind of religion or non-religion that would suit them more.<br/>If someone chooses to leave catholicism behind, that's more than alright<br/>This religion is not for everyone</p><p>Still holding onto the smile he watched her go.<br/>Along with her, the cold atmosphere vanished out the door.<br/>Concerned he thought about what to tell them if they’ll ever show up and all future cases of people wanting to leave catholicism.<br/>Perhaps he was what they have told him over the years.<br/>The worst priest in the history of the family Skeldon.<br/>An abomination.<br/>A black sheep.<br/>However, there was no space for thoughts of his family at this hour of the day.<br/>Gripping the notebook tighter reminded him of its existence and the existence of the others laying on the bench.</p><p>Sitting on the bench and overthinking the conversation he noticed a couple of things he couldn't before.<br/>Not only did she try to intimidate him through her knowledge of the church and the traditions they had over the years,<br/>She knew how to use her words to poison his view.<br/>Passionately she spoke of the money they donated to the church throughout the years.<br/>Bribing wouldn't work with him though he did not understand why she would tell him anyway if not because of that.<br/>Possibilities, why she would bribe, were to keep the image of being the most generous family in town or to keep a clear image because confessions might have gone around as rumours before.<br/>She tries so hard to be the perfect mother and have a perfect family to not care about her children.<br/>Gabe should talk to them and not individually for her wishes.</p><p>Mrs Jenkins had left him with thoughts of distrust.<br/>Would she try to manipulate him in the future?<br/>And if she tried to, was it because of the reasons he thought about before?<br/>Most likely.<br/>Gabe didn't want to allow the thoughts about her to ruin his morning.<br/>True, it was still morning.<br/>The sunrise didn't happen long ago, and the day was open to surprise him.<br/>She wasn't the only person in town despite that hopefully the only one who would remind him of an unloved family member.</p><p>Dusty notebooks and warm sunlight enlightened the church.<br/>Sitting calmly in silence was never one of his strengths, though he enjoyed it at that moment.<br/>Nevertheless, he was excited to see who might open the gates to the church next to meet him, confess or pray in the beauty of the gothic church.<br/>Before he could enjoy these himself, he needed to read through messily written notebooks and decipher the important things.<br/>Did he need them?<br/>Partially, because in the messiness were finances written down.<br/>The former priest Father Theodore may have had horrible handwriting but those chaotic notes would save him.<br/>He was pretty sure of that.<br/>With deciphering the first pages Gabe learned that Roger Jenkins, he husband of Barbara, comes once a week to confess and “free” his soul from the sins.<br/>Those little sins, as he called them himself, consisted of having multiple affairs with women on his “business” trips and in town.<br/>The notes were not only about finances but as well about scandals, lies and confessions that could tear families and friendships apart.<br/>A diary of lies and lust.<br/>A collection of history and scandals.</p><p>Each the lies and gossip that could ruin lives and families. I need to keep this safe and my decipherings too. I don't want to imagine what could happen if someone finds them.</p><p>Hours passed with the rising of the sun to its highest point in the sky.<br/>He worked well through a stack of the notebooks and looked through the church.<br/>Fascinated by the old building he walked mindlessly.<br/>Gabe loved the lonely walks.<br/>They scared him even so they made him feel at peace.<br/>A lonely ghost in the hallway.<br/>Creaking wood and whispers of the wind.<br/>With a loud deep sound, the gates were opened for the second time and Gabe returned to them.<br/>Everyone was a welcome guest in the house of God.</p><p>It happened many other times that citizens of the town came to church to meet him.<br/>His predictions about the townspeople were correct.<br/>The ones he met on that day were nothing like Mrs Jenkins.<br/>They welcomed him more openly.<br/>Waited for being behind closed doors to talk.<br/> Gabriel Skeldon was of the Skeldon family who was famous for their traditions of making every male heir a priest.<br/>The surname was known for this fairly well in catholic districts.<br/>Despite that, the name was a burden on his shoulders.<br/>Would he be able to make the expectations come true?<br/>An anxious voice was screaming in agony about his failure.<br/>Each one he has done and each that can happen.<br/>Thoughts are getting drowned out by static noise clouding his mind.<br/>He was tired.<br/>Hasn't he slept enough?<br/>Was there the right amount of sleep for him?</p><p>The sun was down and Gabe was ready to head back home to Mrs Patton.<br/>Closing the gates felt fine.<br/>Walking back down the small hill, down the path, watching the sky and stars.<br/>All was fine.<br/>The food Mrs Patton had prepared for him was delicious.<br/>Everything went alright.<br/>Anything was good. <br/>Talking about his day with Valerie, Mrs Patton, was nice. <br/>Listening to her reminded him again of his grandma.<br/>But when he laid back in bed, his mind wandered.<br/>Over the day and his thoughts.<br/>All he said was fine and the job made him happy.<br/>Why did he not feel fine then?<br/>In him grew an emptiness.<br/>Craving for the essence of his life.<br/>It wants him to be empty, lifeless.<br/>A puppet for the strings of his family.<br/>And worked so well.<br/>The void feasted on him.<br/>Made him feel numb and fallen.<br/>Into darkness, he couldn't get out of it by himself.<br/>Nobody was there to help him.<br/>Was it given he couldn't trust the feeling of success?<br/>Or because he was continuing the tradition?<br/> <br/>He didn't eat that much that day but he wished badly to vomit it all out.<br/>Not caring about the burning pain of stomach acid. <br/>It was like a circus was playing a show in his stomach, walking over his intestines and jumping on his heart.<br/>Who would watch their show?<br/>Gabe could only feel the pain.<br/>With wide-open windows, he could breathe again.<br/>Letting him breathe out the terror in his throat that tied a knot with his tongue.<br/>Leaning over the ledge, breathing in air, trying not to choke and gazing over the houses near him.<br/>He hoped awfully that no one saw him.<br/>Startling as he heard the window above him close.<br/>Did his neighbour notice him?<br/>Were they annoyed by the abrupt opening of the windows or the loud gasping for air?<br/>Should he get upstairs and apologize?<br/>Though wouldn't that be worse because he'd continue to pester them?</p><p>Looking back into his room, it felt suitable.<br/>Though he wasn't small or dark or was he dark-skinned.<br/>Gabe was cold and hollow within the room with furniture that others have left behind.<br/>The garbage can of unloved things and others needs.<br/>Gabe caught a look at his reflection in the window.<br/>A glimpse of the tiredness in amber, the brown hair he had a hard time to comb and the bland face.<br/>Normal, boring, not fascinating enough, average and ugly.</p><p>He changed from the casual clothes, he had changed to earlier the evening, to sleep clothes.<br/>Another look into the mirror.<br/>Best would be to cover it.<br/>Seeing himself: the long limbs and skinny body.<br/>Gabe felt repulsed.<br/>Urged to change everything about him.<br/>Couldn't he have been born differently?<br/>Not like this.<br/>Looking like a walking skeleton.<br/>Weird and good for nothing but to hold things together.<br/>What will happen if he can't hold on to keep things together?<br/>Is it time to give everything up?<br/>Can he still run away?<br/>He must sleep and not contemplate his body and choices.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Waking up the next morning, he felt low.<br/>He has slept, hasn't he?<br/>Time has changed, that's what the watch told him.<br/>Rested was not a thing he felt at that moment but honestly, he didn't feel anything at all.<br/>Emptiness continued to consume him.<br/>When will it have consumed all of him?<br/>Too much room for no answer in the end.<br/>His dreams were empty too.<br/>No, there was something he was able to remember at the bottom of his conscious memory.</p><p>His dream had ended at a museum.<br/>Tears fell down a young boy's cheeks as he looked at the painting.<br/>It was of a so-called angel.<br/>Though inaccurate.<br/>Renaissance time, of course.<br/>Capturing his attention, making the boy forget why he was upset in the first place.<br/>The kid was mesmerized by the beauty.<br/>Then there were questions: why did he cry? <br/>Why was he upset?<br/>Why was he there?<br/>Why did Gabe remember that on that morning?<br/>Why was he crying back then?<br/>Each detail of the painting was inscribed into his mind.<br/>Was he so madly drawn in till this day?<br/>Doesn't the dream answer it well enough?<br/>  <br/>He should stop. <br/>With all.<br/>It does bring nothing but pain, and he doesn't want it anymore.<br/>There was so much pain in his heart.<br/>It would break so easily if someone tried to destroy his trust.<br/>Gabe was very vulnerable and it showed in the softness of voice and the dreamers look in his eyes.<br/>The vulnerable spots he tried to hide but never could.</p><p>Breakfast was already on the table when he went to his little kitchen area.<br/>He remembered that Mrs Patton still got a key to the flat.<br/>She was an angel.<br/>Was there any cloth he could cover the mirrors with?<br/>Another shy look to the reflection of himself.<br/>As bizarre as it looked.<br/>This was him.  <br/>During dinner, he could ask Mrs Patton if she had a cloth, or he could use a shirt.</p><p>For that day he has planned to work through the notes again and maybe take some of the books home with him to work through the night.<br/>Also, he wanted to visit the town and perhaps talk with his neighbours or get to meet people.<br/>It looked better than the priest being very solitary and cold.<br/>Beware the gossip and stay on track.<br/>Rules in the back of his head warning him of misbehaving.<br/>Misbehaving did not match well with it.<br/>On his to-do list was a lot.<br/>Wasting time was not part of it.</p><p>Consuming not even half of the sandwich she made, Gabe left the building.<br/>Feeling a cold stare at his back but when he turned around he saw nobody.<br/>With a heightened sense of anxiety, he entered the church.<br/>A couple of deep breaths later he was calmer.<br/>The little weight off his lungs.<br/>This time he started with sweeping the hallway and not the office.<br/>Fairly good would it be too if he cleaned that room as well.<br/>Possibly would it be to find a gem of information or a weird collection the other priest might have had?<br/>Surprising may it be nonetheless.</p><p>On this occasion, he investigated the church building more than the day before.<br/>When he took the job he didn't ask any questions.<br/>Now that he got the job, he knew nothing about the story of the church or building nor the town.<br/>Either he'd find out with time, asked the townsfolk or searched his way through the internet.<br/>Day two wasn't much different from the first.<br/>The notebooks were filled with finances, plans for masses, and secrets.<br/>Every detail he read continued to build a specific view on those people.<br/>Can he even look them in the eye when he meets them?<br/>It is his job.<br/>No other choice was left to him.<br/>Gabe never had the choice to decide what to do with his life.<br/>Others need to have it better.<br/>If he can help them, he will.<br/>Nobody should be forced to be someone they are not.<br/>How much did he repress because of them?<br/>Who was he if he wouldn't be a priest and live in the name of God?<br/>Overwhelmed by the idea of freedom, he stopped in his motion.<br/>Standing before the statue of Jesus Christ.</p><p><br/>"What would you do, Jesus?  What am I supposed to do? ... Do you hate me for having thoughts of distrust against our creator? You, who died for our sins. Is your death enough for these days too? My parents would scold me for even having the slightest doubt of you.  But where were you when I needed you most? "</p><p>Silence surrounded them.<br/>No answer.<br/>No other words.<br/>Solely the wind playing with the leaves falling down the branches made noise.<br/>Static arose again in his ears.</p><p>“Of course”, he chuckled.”I am the worst. They were right. How dare I even speak. Somebody must cut out my tongue for the words spiked with the thoughts of evil I dare to say. Here and now. Punish me. I am not worth it anymore."</p><p>Mournful he stared at his shoes.<br/>The audacity he had to speak like this.<br/>In his ears sounded the hit of a belt on his back.<br/>Another pain.<br/>He deserved nothing less.</p><p>Nothing happened.<br/>No blood-stained tears running down the cheeks of the statue and neither was there the sound of a coming storm.<br/>Somehow it was worse.<br/>Back again was he alone with his mind.<br/>The most torturous punishment he could get.</p><p>Around lunchtime, the first individuals of the day arrived.<br/>Mrs Jenkins came shortly but rushed away within minutes.<br/>She has watched him, has walked around and he thought she had checked the donation box if anything was in it.<br/>Very mysterious and creepy.<br/>Elderly residents of the little town visited him.<br/>Curiously asking lots of questions.<br/>Why was someone with not even 30 years of life experience a professional priest?<br/>Their words were not meant to be hurtful.<br/>Brisk attitudes from most of them made it hard to not take the harsh words not to heart.<br/> Neither did they stay long enough for Gabe to say much.<br/>More than “Have a blessed day”, and “See you on Sunday”, wasn't be able to say.</p><p>Exhausted he took a break around three pm.<br/>His deciphering of the notebooks was a slow process.<br/>Cleaning, another kind of tiring work.<br/>The church was bigger than anticipated.<br/>Probably he'd take around two weeks to get everything cleaned or maybe less.<br/>His tea tasted bitter and the thermos was cold.<br/>A new one would be a good idea.<br/>Outside the church were the clouds blocking the sun.<br/>Second by second the central nave and its surroundings fell into soft darkness.<br/>How and where the light switches were was a quest Gabe hasn't solved till then.<br/>With the beginning of falling rain, the door to the church opened again.<br/>Mrs Patton came in.<br/>Clothed in a neon green raincoat, wide grinning and waving at him.</p><p>“Lovely weather we have.”</p><p>“It's rather showery, isn’t-”<br/>Previous to him answering, she gave him a grey umbrella and a lunch box.<br/>Confused he looked to the objects in his hands.<br/>Her grandmotherly warmth reached out to him.</p><p>“I saw that you did not eat breakfast, so I brought you something. And I did not think that you looked at the weather report. See you later, love.”<br/>She smiled widely again, kissed him on the cheek and left him speechless behind.<br/>Stuttering a small “Thank you”, while being thrown over by the care he received.<br/>Valerie was already out the door as his words left the throat.<br/>No one has ever cared so much about his well being.<br/>He didn't know how to react.<br/>Enjoying the sandwich with tears in the corner of his eyes was nothing he'd ever expect to do.</p><p>The joy didn't hold on for long.<br/>Potentially she would have known where the light switches were but he messed up the chance.<br/>After an hour of searching in half dark rooms, he found the electricity box.<br/>Gabe did find the light switches before but they didn't work out.<br/>Covered in dust and a dark room, Gabe found it.<br/>Armed with his mobile phone and flat rate, he figured out how to safely turn it on again.<br/>Sometimes he was interrupted by people coming into the church and he anxiously went up to them.<br/>All four of them came to either pray or light a candle.<br/>They ignored him, documented him but left him unaddressed.<br/>Nobody said anything about the darkness.<br/>Seemingly not caring.<br/>Two hours later everything was done and he could sit back in the office.<br/>Finally in the light of the lamps.</p><p>Smiling proudly about his accomplishment without having ever done this.<br/>Up until he realised that he was proud.<br/>He shouldn't feel so.<br/>It's a duty to take care of the house.<br/>Further was it a man's duty to do technical work?<br/>Oh, the stereotypes and toxic masculinity again.<br/>Didn't he want to be more mindful of those things to be a better helper?<br/>Yes, he did.<br/>If he couldn't stop his thoughts he needed to play perfection.<br/>No soul should know.<br/>Not a single person got the ticket to looking behind the curtain of his play.</p><p>Nature has decided to make a fool of him and stopped the rain as he opened the umbrella.<br/>Wandering back down the hill to town and strolling around late was not the best idea he had.<br/>Tired and barely able to hold up the masquerade of perfection made him weak.<br/>Best would be to head back to his flat.<br/>Surprisingly well did he sneak back to the house.<br/>Changed his clothes without looking in the mirror and went downstairs to knock against her door.<br/>A warm wave welcomed him.<br/>Perhaps not as warm as the smile of the elderly woman.<br/>She might not be the youngest anymore but she did not look so old.<br/>To top that she was very fit and fantastically able to take care of herself.<br/>An independent woman.<br/>He admired it.</p><p>“Love, how was your day? You seem… drained? Is everything alright?”<br/>Again, the warm smile healed the wounds.<br/>Without thinking for another second he told her about his problems with the lights, the people who have ignored him and his insecurity to not do his job well.<br/>She listened, nodded, pat his head softly as his voice broke.<br/>Subtle was his voice shaking.<br/>Reassuring to keep on talking.<br/>To stay with her and not slip down to the demons in his soul.</p><p>Valerie did not know what he was hiding beneath the layers of the religion of tranquillity.<br/>Knowing properly enough that he would come to her if he needed.<br/>Awaiting and keeping her door open for him.<br/>From her experience, even the most feral kitten can be kind someday though it will always be what it was.<br/>A feral being no one should try to catch.<br/>The bite might not be as bad as the broken trust following.<br/>Perceiving the unhappy sulk forming on his face as he realised the wet cheeks.<br/>Rubbing them away and leaving red stains.<br/>She let him calm down before approaching him again.<br/>He needed it and could not look her in the eye after crying.<br/>Eyes focusing the hands laying on his lap.<br/>Alongside placing the soup on the table and the soft sizzling of boiling water he sat in peace before her.<br/>Inaudibly eating his soup sunk into the thoughts of nothingness.</p><p>Pacing slowly up and down, filling soup into a new bowl, Valerie looked back to Gabe from the corner of her eye.<br/>"I will be back in a few minutes. Fay hasn't eaten all day and I promised to make soup tonight.”<br/>No response from Gabe’s side.</p><p>Ten minutes later. perhaps more, or barely less, she was back.<br/>Grinning happily.<br/>Gabe saw her speak up right after sitting down.<br/>Her words hardly reached his ears.<br/>He had forgotten to thank her for the food.<br/>Not even that.<br/>What was he able to do?</p><p>"...- I think you might get along well-...- Fay is very creative and together both of you would be less alone…- I can't wait for next spring when we can plant new flowers-... Do you like flowers, Father Gabriel?”</p><p>Brought back into consciousness he barely lowered his head to nod.<br/>How long has she talked to him?<br/>Valerie has talked about the other resident of the building, hasn't she?<br/>Fay.<br/>Lovely name for someone he didn't know.<br/>Maybe they, she most likely not he, was nice and he could talk to someone.<br/>But she, Gabe guessed, appeared to not be extremely social either.<br/>Potentially a reason for a friendship?<br/>He couldn't even hold a conversation up, how could he think of a friendship?<br/>Gabe never had friends.<br/>Why should he now?<br/>Waste of energy.<br/>Waste of time.<br/>He’ll get hurt in the end.</p><p>Afraid of getting hurt again.<br/>Of the aftermath of pain.<br/>The young priest stayed solitary.<br/>Quiet without wanting to be remembered.<br/>Lived with and through his life which he dedicated to his religion.<br/>Not knowing another kind of life.<br/>Never knowing something else.<br/>He will stay lonesome until the very end.<br/>His last breath was heard.<br/>The last heartbeat pumping blood.</p><p>Valerie watched him vanish out the door next to finishing his soup.<br/>Uninterested in giving her company in front of the TV.<br/>Tired footsteps walking up the stairs, a door closing, another opening and the jumpy steps of someone in a good mood sounded brief until they stopped in front of her door.<br/>Soft knocking.<br/>The familiar face of the second tenant lit up her face.<br/>Entering perplexed the flat.</p><p>"Have I missed him?”<br/>Sad tone of voice mixed with the pouting of being excited but too late to the show.</p><p>"That happens if you can't take care of looking at the watch. <br/>I didn't give you the soup for no reason, Fay, dear.”</p><p>"Of course, Mrs Patton. Delicious as always I need to say.”</p><p><br/>"You cannot charm your way out this time”, she chuckled.<br/>"Let’s go, the series hasn't started yet.  The two of you have enough time to meet.”</p><p>Big grinning Fay mumbled quietly:” Can't wait for our new priest. I wonder what he's like?”</p><p>“Did you say anything?”</p><p>"No, no, nothing. Sit down. I make some popcorn. You have done enough for today.”</p><p>"Thank you, Fay.”<br/>Her smile couldn't hide the tiredness.</p><p>"Not for this, Valerie.”<br/>Pushing her softly towards the living room.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time passed by quickly.<br/>One week went by, then another and another.<br/>Eventually, he was there for three months.<br/>Living and kind of vibing with his daily duties.<br/>Nothing scandalous has happened yet but he got a feeling there would be soon.<br/>A meeting between Fay and him has not occurred yet either.<br/>And Gabe was happy about that.<br/>For no reason did he need to feel bad about it, but he did anyway.<br/>Was he rude for not stepping forward first?<br/>Were they rude?<br/>The only thing clear for that moment was: he was overthinking, it was Sunday and most importantly; the mass was done.</p><p>One more finished.<br/>Next on the go.<br/>He had a week to prepare, however, it was better to be done early on.<br/>Don't slack, head up and smile.<br/>The masses have been working well.<br/>No problem has existed in the timeline of his work.<br/>With his neat work, friendly persona and overall perfectness, he charmed the townsfolk into liking him.<br/>Undoubtedly, they trusted him and his opinion.<br/>Hypothetically, his charming being worked too well.<br/>Additional words of dark seduction were dwelling in his ears.<br/>Was he a manipulator?<br/>Robbing others of the free will of having a bad opinion about him?</p><p>He watched the residents as they left the church to have their usual sip of after-church gossip and news.<br/>Observing the atmosphere and people he got to know from the open door.<br/>Summer was back and the daylight danced on the skin of those who had dared to be sleeveless.<br/>Regarding the sultry weather a smart idea.<br/>One of the hottest days of the month and he wore the thick fabric of his mass clothes or it rather was sticking to his skin.<br/>Coldwater from a shower sounded great.<br/>The heat floated around in the air.<br/>Every attendee of the mass was wearing appropriate clothes in the primmest way they could.<br/>Summer suit, tie and long dresses.<br/>Hear out before deciding what to wear.<br/>Cover up, girls or the boys might drool and can't concentrate.<br/>Hypocritical words of society.<br/>Disgusting behaviour of boys was being condoned for the sake of men’s dominance.<br/>Girls should cover-up.<br/>Boys might get distracted.<br/>They are the future.<br/>Ladies, go take care of the children.<br/>Ambiguous nature. <br/>Teach your boys to behave.<br/>Give your girls the chance to defend themselves.<br/>Enough self-defence classes are out there.<br/>Girls can fight back.<br/>Help them to learn how.<br/>She doesn't dress up for you, neither does she wear her make-up for your liking and no, she does not want your attention.<br/>Scumbags complaining about their sinful dreams.<br/>Waiting for others to pity them.<br/>They should get help for the violence of actions they might do to girls.<br/> Modesty doesn't save the girls.<br/>The shaming comes anyway.</p><p>Loud voices, cheery birds and he had a headache.<br/>Hiding behind an open and tender grin.<br/>Gabriel nodded and thanked them for coming, wishing them a great day.<br/>Kind pats on the back.<br/>Words telling him how impressing he was.<br/>A young man doing so well.<br/>Maybe he will turn out to be better than the former priest.</p><p>
  <em>Don't say those words. Stop feeding the ego.</em>
</p><p>Lies like briars growing around his heart and lungs.<br/>Thorns piercing through the muscle.<br/>It stung badly.<br/>Clenching his fist around the fabric of the cloth.<br/>Venom dripped down his spine.<br/>Every hair on his neck went up.<br/>Panic?<br/>Why?<br/>He couldn't help but listen to a conversation involving his name.</p><p>“You know, Penny, sweetheart, wouldn’t it be a good idea to ask Father Skeldon to help us with the problem.”</p><p>“Which problem, Barbara,... oh, you mean this punk? That’s a wonderful idea. <br/>Let's go ask him.”</p><p>The women marched towards the priest, who stood in the door frame of the church.<br/>Cheap perfume smell surrounded them like a numbing cloud.</p><p>“Father Gabriel, we’d like to ask for your help with someone who… tries to ruin the reputation of our beloved town.”<br/>Mrs Jenkins continued instead of her friend, Penny Clarke.<br/>“This man seduced our children into doing... horrible things. <br/>I’ve heard he was seen with Mrs Clarkes daughter Daisy and she has been acting weird since then, isn't it like that, Penny?”</p><p>They exchanged looks of disgust thinking of the person.<br/>Neither Gabriel nor they knew for sure what was going on between them.<br/>Were the two of them friends, strangers, acquaintances?<br/>He should talk to her to find out and he knew the women in front of him would ask so too.<br/>All he knew about Daisy Clarke was that she was the eldest of Mrs Clarke’s children.<br/>She was studying medicine to become a surgeon a couple of hours away.</p><p>“Shouldn't we ask her before we make any speculations? I’d offer to talk to her if she doesn't want to talk to you, like her mother. There's no reason for her to lie to me”, responded Gabriel.<br/>Uncomfortable by the thought of talking and deciding about someone, not present.</p><p>The stare that he got from Mrs Jenkins branded itself on his skin.<br/>Gabe swallowed down any following questions.</p><p>“No, she can and probably would lie to you. She is a young and unmarried woman. Full of challenging thoughts. If she was my daughter, I would have found her a husband by now. She doesn't need to have a job. Her husband could work and she stays with the kids. Like God intended it to be.”</p><p>Fear crept up Gabe’s back and a disgusting feeling tied a knot in his stomach.<br/>The view Mrs Jenkins had even surprised and seemingly shocked her friend.<br/>Her eyes widened in shock but she remained silent.<br/>Would she ever speak up for herself is another question.</p><p>Mrs Jenkins rant changed topic wise to why women should get married and Gabriel hasn't felt that uncomfortable listening to someone in months.<br/>Shortly after finishing this, she held a monologue about why this guy, Daisy was seen with, was a bad influence.<br/>The town's very own sinner that influenced the children into misbehaving, Gabe has heard.<br/>Understanding that they want him to change that guy.<br/>How, is the question.<br/>He is converting the children to satanism, was one of the most stupid exaggerations Gabriel has heard from rumours.<br/>Rumours were a thing for themselves. <br/>Whether they were true or not, they spread like a wildfire.</p><p>It wasn't long ago that Gabriel learned about his existence.<br/>The young priest slowly warmed up to the people and took his time.<br/>Through talking to different persons and Mrs Patton, his one truthful source of information, he learned what the guy has done.<br/>Usual, mostly normal ruckus and nothing had to do with converting children to satanism. <br/>Satanism itself wasn't that bad, it's all about stereotypes, again.<br/>This guy had a fling with multiple adults in the town and their parents weren’t happy. <br/>They still lived with them or had something with him when they visited their parents.<br/>Generally, he appeared to be a big flirt.<br/>A big no-no for the conservative town.<br/>Having one night stands with both guys and women, was the next bullet point on the list of sins in their book.</p><p>Secretly Gabe thought, whoever that guy was that he was pretty cool for not giving a fuck about the town’s opinion and doing his thing.<br/>Having fun with those who want him.<br/>Another thing was being drunk.<br/>Drunk in general and not in church, not to forget he never visits the church.<br/>Indulging into sexual pleasure, not regarding the gender of the person, intoxication and being a non-christian.<br/>Those were the big three reasons why he is hated so much among the townsfolk.<br/>A non-social person and more of a night owl.<br/>Never participating in neighbourhood or church activities.<br/>Gabriel respected his choice of living but nodded when Mrs Jenkins asked him to take care of the problem.</p><p>“I will try my best”, he replied smiling.<br/>Content the women walked off.<br/>Relieved sighing he leaned against the door frame.<br/>Everyone has left already.<br/>He was alone.<br/>The thoughts from the back of his head came out of the shadows.<br/>Observing the trail down the small hill.<br/>When he came here the first time, he was joyful about the short way up.<br/>Not too many steps up to the church. <br/>He has visited churches before with seemingly never-ending steps.</p><p>Gabe used the remaining time of the day to dust the office, to read through more notebooks and to prepare the next mass.<br/>Pleased he walked down the hill.<br/>Sunlight warming his back.<br/>Enjoying the last hour of sunshine before the sun would set.<br/>Thoughts wandering back to the conversation from earlier that day.<br/>He would speak to Daisy soon.<br/>They have talked once before, he remembered.<br/>She was a nice young woman, but she did not come off as happy when talking about her studies.<br/>With 19 she was old enough to decide for herself what her dreams were but she lived the wish of her parents.<br/>As an adult, it was her decision on top of that to meet whoever she wants.<br/>Those who speak up against it are again the parents. <br/>Not able to let their grown-up decide their own life choices.<br/>If she and the guy were friends or more it was their business and only theirs.<br/>Not their parents and not at all towns business to think it is immoral.</p><p>Shouldn't her happiness be more important?<br/>She studied medicine for their sake but what are her dreams?<br/>The priest felt sorry for her.<br/>Everything ended in a good or bad reputation for this town.<br/>Nobody wanted to be an outcast and in the end, the children that didn't fit in needed to be pushed right in.<br/>Remodelled for the wishes of their parents and reputation.</p><p>
  <em>I hope talking to her will be helpful. Not because I think it’s bad who she hangs out with but to know her wishes. A job she would actually like, or so. I don’t even know what we can talk about then. This will be so embarrassing. Good job, idiot.</em>
</p><p>Mrs Patton, being the lovely support she was, had prepared dinner beforehand.<br/>Their dinner place changed during summer to the garden space behind her house.<br/>Far enough away from the houses of their neighbours.<br/>Surrounded by plants, big trees and bushes.<br/>A small garden Eden in a stressing town.<br/>She has left with friends after church to have tea.<br/>A relaxed activity with beautiful weather.<br/>He does wonder why Fay hasn't been in church before or why they don't cross paths.<br/>Perhaps someday.<br/>Destiny would decide and Fate would be the reason for them to meet.</p><p>“Good evening, Father Gabriel.”<br/>Valerie was in a good mood and her smile was not the only reason Gabe knew.<br/>In her eyes was a spark of youth.<br/>Was the loneliness in her heart gone for that day?</p><p>“Good evening, dear. Do you need help with anything?”</p><p>“Great that you ask. You’ll go up to change anyway, don’t you?”<br/>Agreeing he nodded. <br/>“Could you tell Fay to join us?... Thank you, love. And say dinner is almost done. I promise I do have a slice of cake just for you.”</p><p>“Thank you.” <br/>A fake smile for caring for him.<br/>He wasn’t hungry and wouldn't be able to finish two slices of cake after the dinner, he'd barely manage to eat.<br/>Would she be mad?<br/>Such a waste of food.<br/>When was the last time he had eaten that day?</p><p>Walking upwards was more exhausting than commonly.<br/>He has changed his mass robe in the church to the normal robe but would change again in his flat to something more casual.<br/>Where was the sense in his actions?<br/>Why wouldn't he change in church completely?<br/>It was a place of safety, wasn't it?<br/>Though changing and feeling safe in the church was something he hadn't felt in years.<br/>More hypocrisy.<br/>More lies he told himself to stay faithful.<br/>Believe in their power.<br/>He remembered the feeling of sweaty hands on his body.<br/>Those memories continuously made him want to scream out:”Why?”<br/>Why him? <br/>Was there a reason for the pain he felt?<br/>What did he do wrong to deserve this?<br/>Church will never be the same for him. <br/>Every breath he took in the confessional felt like hands gripping around his throat.<br/>With every second that passed in there, the pressure on his throat got worse.<br/>The door closed shut behind him.<br/>Did this living space make him feel safe?<br/>Safer than the invisible, judgemental stares in church?</p><p>Earlier that week he had closed the church for a couple of hours to buy himself some summer clothes.<br/>No shorts or short sleeves.<br/>Nothing that made him look at the bare skin.<br/>His mirror was covered but he took the cloth off often enough to see his appearance.<br/>The new clothes fit nicely.<br/>A new T-Shirt under an open grey button-up shirt.<br/>Silky fabric laying lightly on his skin.<br/>His trousers looked nicely but in his mind not on himself.<br/>Strange looking reflection in the mirror.<br/>This man seemed normal.<br/>A normal guy without the responsibility of being a priest.<br/>Burden of a family.<br/>Black sheep trying to clean out all his flaws.<br/>Washing away the blood of the sins but the stains stay.<br/>Imagination was for dreamers.<br/>And his dreams were nonexistent.<br/>Never allowed to dream or fantasize.<br/>Born to serve the Lord.<br/>Not born to think, wish or be one's own person.<br/>You do nothing but serve.</p><p>Next were the steps up to Fays flat.<br/>Nervous knocking at the door.<br/>In his mind were a hundred thoughts about what they could look like.<br/>Maybe they had blonde hair like Valerie.<br/>He had no idea what to think.<br/>In conclusion, his mind was stuffed with thoughts.<br/>Quiet, muffled steps thumped behind the door.<br/>Slow unlocking of the door.<br/>Wild pounding in his chest.<br/>Gabriel looked down to a guy almost a head shorter than him.<br/>It was unfair to think that this guy was short, Gabriel was taller than average and he seemed to be shorter than average.<br/>The priest did not know how Fay looked like but he most certainly didn’t think that this guy was them.<br/>This good looking, shirtless, beautiful, seductively appearing...<br/>What was he thinking?<br/>Dirty, rotten thoughts.<br/>Stop.<br/>Amber eyes observing the stranger.<br/>The exposed upper body with a snake tattoo curling from the neck down to the back of his left hand.<br/>Pants hanging loosely around the hips.<br/>Gabe internally prayed for forgiveness.<br/>The guy caught his more than obvious stare.<br/>With a cheeky smile, he asked:”Do you need anything, Darling?”</p><p>Gabe’s face blushed even more as he stuttered and fidgeted with the ends of his shirt.<br/>“I...I was… looking for F-Fay.”<br/>He cleared his throat.<br/>“Val-... I mean Mrs Patton said dinner is ready soon.”</p><p>“Tell her, I’m ready in around five minutes, blush boy.”<br/>The door closed behind him and left Gabe a baffling mess.<br/>Astonished that the smaller man was Fay.<br/>He was kinda cute too but the tattoo and the glimmer in his eyes told another story.<br/>Fay was attractive.<br/>Gabe couldn’t lie to convince himself otherwise.<br/>Getting caught staring wasn’t the worst of all.<br/>Worse was the fact that they would spend dinner together.</p><p>Awkwardness surrounded him when he sat down on the other side of the table.<br/>Listening to Valerie happily talking about the quality time she has spent with her friends.<br/>Distressed, he played with the cuffs of the shirt.<br/>Tapping fidgety with his hand on his knee.<br/>Uncomfortable in his skin, he wished to jump out of it.<br/>Jump out of this existence.<br/>To be someone, everyone but himself.<br/>Small hairs on the back of his neck rose.<br/>He held his breath watching Valerie's smile lighten up.<br/>Fay was behind him.<br/>Close, too close.<br/>What a shame Gabe couldn't feel his fingers wandering up and down his spine.<br/>Again, why were his thoughts seeded with lewdness?<br/>Gabriel did not know this man but was drawn to him despite that.<br/>Desperately, needy, such a moron.<br/>Stay pure.<br/>You are rotten.<br/>Attracting the devil with your thoughts.<br/>Why not welcome him even more with an open door?<br/>Have you forgotten that you cannot fall in love?<br/>Never able to be on your own or to fall for anybody.<br/>Desires are for humans.<br/>You are more, no, you are not human.<br/>Servant of church and the holy trinity.<br/>Pureness is the only thing you have to stay in the favour of God.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“It is nice outside now, don't you think Fay? Earlier this day it was unbelievably hot.”</p><p>“I am grateful my flat has an AC. The evening is nice, but the nights are better.”</p><p>They chatted, both in a good mood.<br/>Gabe didn’t realise the fact that Fay had sat down in front of him.<br/>Both Valerie and he turned to the priest.</p><p>“What do you think, Father Gabriel”, Valerie asked the absent-minded.<br/>He hasn't listened to a single word they have said before.<br/>Got caught up in his head.<br/>Fay had raised his eyebrow at the word Father.<br/><em>Why are you so stunning in everything you do?</em><br/>Was a thought that struck Gabe's mind.<br/>“So you are the new priest? You look pretty ordinary.”<br/>A surprised look on Fay’s face.</p><p>Valerie interrupted before Gabe could speak for himself.<br/>“If you would genuinely listen to what I tell you, you'd have known and realised it earlier. I have told you for months.”</p><p>“Yes, I listened but I forgot about it. My days are long, love. I forget easily in general-”</p><p>She cut him off and said without missing a beat:”Or you should stop drinking. Your brain cells get lost and you end up brain dead.”</p><p>Fay continued to grin.<br/>He leaned his arm on the table.<br/>Watching her amused roasting him for his weakness.<br/>In his case, Gabe would have probably swallowed down his tears and the pain.<br/>Getting scolded for mistakes, weaknesses.<br/>Crippling memories lived in the back of his mind.<br/>On the other hand, Fay did not seem to be bothered at all.<br/>Maybe he was used to Mrs Patton's loving and a bit intimidatingly worrying and care.</p><p>“Yeah, you are right. Life’s just boring without the fun of getting drunk and not remembering shit.”<br/>Chuckling over his own words he got a frustrated glare from Valerie.</p><p>“Take more care of yourself, kid”, she said with a worried look.<br/>He kissed her on the cheek.<br/>“I am taking care of myself… as much as I can handle. Who am I to worry you, dearest.”</p><p>Content with the answer she smiled at him.<br/>Gabe had watched their affectionate behaviour, observed their words.<br/>Feeling out of place.<br/>Was he disturbing their friendship?<br/>Were they related?<br/>A question in his mind.<br/>Another one for his collection.<br/>Information he sorted out of the conversation was that Fay had an alcohol problem and worried Mrs Patton because of that.<br/>Adding the choice of his tank top with the symbol of chaos and the inverted pentacle necklace, Gabriel concluded that Fay was the sinner.<br/>It couldn't be any clearer.<br/>Never attending church? Check.<br/>He hasn't seen him before but on that evening? Meaning he is rather active in the later day hours. Check.<br/>Now what?<br/>Confronting him about his behaviour as the women wished or waiting?<br/>Gabriel should wait.<br/>Taking his time to think and not to burst out any information he’d regret saying.</p><p>"Father Gabriel, may I say you look splendid in the outfit. I am very happy everything seems to fit well.”</p><p>“Thank you, dear.”<br/>Quiet words, not louder than a whisper.<br/>Fay’s eyes laid on him.<br/>Curiously.<br/>Gabe zoned back out as they continued talking to each other.<br/>Zoning out with an empty mind.<br/>Staring without realising.<br/>Mrs Patton went inside to get new drinks.<br/>The long-haired man in front of him, observed him, smirked.<br/>Friendly or teasingly?<br/>Did Gabe know the difference?</p><p>“You are staring again, blush boy.”</p><p>“I...I’m sorry.”<br/>More quiet words.</p><p>“It’s fine with me. Even more so because it's such an adorable blushing guy like you.”</p><p>Gabes face could be compared with red roses.<br/>Fay giggled.<br/>The shy priest's reaction to his blatant teasing was entertaining.<br/>No shame in words or actions.<br/>Flirting with a priest?<br/>A new exciting challenge in his more or less boring life.<br/>A new game to play.<br/>Lots of promising fun incoming, he thought.<br/>Eyes observing the nervous priest.<br/>Endearing and coy.<br/>Usually, not his type, as he likes a more confident company, that knew what they wanted.<br/>The priest's introversion was pleasant and Fay saw something else.</p><p>Behind all the quiet, curiosity?<br/>Perhaps.<br/>If his thoughts wouldn't stop him, maybe he'd tease him back.<br/>Fay had enough features to be teased about.<br/>Being shorter than the average guy, working as a freelance artist that makes most money with NSFW art commissions or that he forgot basic hygiene often like showering due to mental health struggles.<br/>Looking like a homeless alt person but in general like a bad mixture of emo, grunge and punk.<br/>Not wanting to decide an aesthetic, having issues with himself that he only coped with by drinking alcohol.<br/>A trashy jerk.<br/>Committed sins are written down on his soul.<br/>He wore them unashamed as he did not believe in the deity of Christianity.<br/>Heaven, hell, whatever may judge him.<br/>Other deities were much more believable.<br/>But he was no believer in any of them.<br/>He believed in himself and not even that much.</p><p>More not subtle glances of the priest at the necklace.<br/>It had not failed to occur to Fay that the priest was looking at him with hesitant interest.<br/>So obvious.<br/>Was he his awakening of liking men or was it his appearance that fascinated him?<br/>Maybe the fascination part but Fay did not have the feeling to be the awakening.<br/>Could be, he knows for himself that he thinks guys are interesting or whatever.<br/>Fay just had this hunch of the priest liking men.<br/>Not his business to find out.<br/>Though he would continue to flirt with him for his own enjoyment.<br/>He’d stop when the priest would say he disliked it or would show it otherwise.</p><p>Mrs Patton came back with fresh lemonade and ice tea on a tray.<br/>Gabe walked up to her to take the drinks.</p><p>“What a polite fella”, murmured Fay more to himself than for anyone to hear but Valerie did anyway.</p><p>“He is, isn't he? A nice young man. Polite, friendly and nicer to look at than Father Theodore, don't you think, Fay?”</p><p>“Yeah, I don't miss that guy. He was kinda weird and sketchy.<br/>Probably taking a lot of the donation to run away. Acted weird around the girls in town, Daisy told me. Can't say much, because you know, the church isn't my thing.”</p><p>“Ah, Mrs Clarke’s lovely daughter. You two are still in contact?”</p><p>Fay nodded,<br/>It was nice hanging out with her.<br/>They talked about art, comics, music and the shit that was going on in their world.<br/>Drinking together, playing video games and watching movies.<br/>He felt comfortable with her and was happy to call her his best friend.</p><p>“Other than that, Fay. I see how you look at him. Is there anything you have in mind, sweetheart? If you hurt him, I am warning you, you get hurt too.”</p><p>Looking back to the absent-minded priest, whose look was down to the bottom of the glass of ice tea.<br/>Not caring about what was going on around him.</p><p>“I am not sure yet… Wait, why do you think I will or would hurt him?! Look at him. He is an adorable, tall... baby boy who needs to be protected.”</p><p>“Because you are an ignorant jerk. Why do you call someone who is four years older than you a baby boy?”, she laughed, patting the head of her pouting tenant.<br/>Her look changed to worry.<br/>“Still, don't hurt him or play with his feelings. He's a good guy and more vulnerable than he would admit.”</p><p>Pouty Fay answered:” Well I know, I’m a jerk but that doesn't mean I'd want to hurt him. Someone I don't know. The words slipped out before I could think it right through. Four years older...oh, cool, so he is 27. Wow, he does look younger than that.”<br/>He added after her continuing worried appearance:”I won’t hurt him, love. I promise.”</p><p>Gabe proceeded his evening in silence.<br/>Watching his neighbour and landlady chatting about their day, church and work.<br/>It could be that they have talked about him, but it doesn't matter.<br/>The food was great as always.<br/>The problem was, he wasn't hungry.<br/>He kept poking at his food.<br/>Took a bite now and then, stared at his plate and forced the food down.<br/>Nothing against Valerie's cooking skills.<br/>Food and he were not big fans of each other.<br/>If Valerie watched or Fay Gabe didn't know but he felt eyes on him.</p><p>“Have the two of you introduced yourself yet?”<br/>The young man shook both their heads in denial.<br/>“Then now it is time for exactly that. Come on boys, don't be shy.”</p><p>A doubtful look from the priest.<br/>Fay started.<br/>“I haven't done an introduction in years. Basic information about me, My name's Fay Reedis, I'm 23 years old and I work as a freelancer. An artist if you want to know it specifically. Nice to meet you, Father.”</p><p>
  <em>I guessed correctly that he is younger than me. Wouldn't have thought that my intuition was correct. His voice feels so nice. Why does his voice feel nice? How can a voice feel nice?!... I want to hear him say my name… What is wrong with me?</em>
</p><p>“I…”<br/>He cleared his throat.</p><p>“My name is Gabriel Skeldon. You know it already. I am the new priest in this town. It's… it’s nice to meet you too. Oh, and I'm 27 years old. I’ll turn 28 in December.”<br/>With a shy smile, he ended his introduction.<br/>His eyes glanced down to the food.</p><p>
  <em>He's younger than I thought. Kind of baby faced…Okay, yes but no. Not that much of a babyface but he looks younger than 27. More my age.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Did he drink from the fountain of youth?</em>
</p><p>Preoccupied with his thoughts Fay observed the priest.<br/>His blue-ish eyes were as capturing as the coy smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Skeleton?”, questioned Fay.<br/>Not with the purpose to insult him but because his head felt like it was filled with cotton balls instead of a working brain.</p><p>“Skeldon”, corrected Valerie.<br/>“Are your ears stuffed, or what?”</p><p>“They are not stuffed. I couldn't understand it that well. Our dear priest talks a bit quietly.”<br/>Wandering with his eyes to the priest.<br/>Showing him a genuine smile.</p><p>“Kudos to you, Father Gabriel. The mass was great again, as always. Fay, you should have seen it… Mhm. How about you join me next Sunday. I know you are no fan of church and Christianity. You can keep the religious villagers on edge for a bit. I know you like that. Look at your cheeky grin!”</p><p>“I think about it”, laughed Fay at the I-told-you- look of Valerie.<br/>“No, stop the puppy eyes. I will think about it. We see it on...what was it?... Sunday? Yeah, Sunday. I wouldn't want to miss your performance, Father Gabriel.”<br/>One wink and Gabe's cheeks that have calmed down before, reddened again.</p><p>“Are you done eating, boys?”<br/>Yes from Fay and a hesitant no from Gabriel.<br/>“Do you need more time? Should I wrap it up for you to eat later?”<br/>He nodded.<br/>She went inside with the plates.</p><p>“Now, we’re back alone, blush boy...mhm… Something isn’t right here.”<br/>Gabriel watched him confused as Fay sat next to him.<br/>“Way better. I can look you better in the eyes. You have beautiful eyes, Father.”</p><p>
  <em>How? What? Why is he so close? My heart is in my chest. I can't breathe. My skin is tingling. So close.</em>
</p><p>“Thank you”, whispered Gabe trying not to stare in his eyes or at his lips.<br/>“Your eyes are beautiful too. They… remind me of a painting. Amber is a beautiful colour.”</p><p>Fay grinned at the shy eye contact.<br/>“My eyes are nothing to the watercolour eyes of yours. They are fascinating to look at. It matters from where I look at you ‘cause they change. A beautiful man with beautiful eyes.”</p><p>“Well… I… don't know what to say. My eyes aren't that great. I think yours are nicer to look at. Amber crystals were my favourites since I was young and they sparkle... at least in my opinion they do. And they match your hair very well and I like that you have two different hair colours and… and...I’m sorry-”</p><p>“So am I your favourite then, blush boy?”, asked Fay.<br/>Teasing the priest, knowing it was hard for him to talk without thinking too much.<br/>Might be the reason why he continued to talk to him.<br/>To make him think less and be more open and honest.<br/>Not only with Fay but himself.</p><p>Carefully laying his hand on Gabe’s knee, perceiving the slight flinch under his hand.<br/>Noting the sudden inhaling of air.<br/>His other hand was tenderly placed on Gabe’s cheek.<br/>Feeling the warmth under his palm.<br/>“It's alright, love. I like your rambling. Listening to you is calming.”</p><p>Stuttering Gabe replied:”Thank… thank you, Fay.”<br/>His voice was soft, quiet, nice to listen to.</p><p>
  <em>This guy...He is so endearing, adorable and delightful. I want to protect and keep him close. But at the same time, I want to tease him badly. Gabriel… You are so much more interesting than anybody I know.</em>
</p><p>“Only for sweet ones and you are pretty adorable.”</p><p>At the same moment of being panicky and wanting to get rid of the hands-on him, he enjoyed it.<br/>A tiny spark in him craved for affection and enjoyed it.<br/>Too much happened.<br/>The spark needed to be shut down.<br/>He touched Fay’s hand while softly shoving it away and flinched when he realised what he had done.<br/>Traumatised by the touch on bare skin.<br/>Fay noted the reaction on his hand on Gabe’s cheek, so did he notice the non-reactive response on the hand on the knee.<br/>Internally he took notes on the priest.<br/>How he would use the information was left open.<br/>For that moment he knew to a point that the man disliked being touched on his face or skin in general.<br/>Because of the less reactive response to the hand on his knee.<br/>There was nervousness written on his face but not the anxiety from before.</p><p>Something may have happened in the past, Fay speculated.</p><p>“It’s ge-”</p><p>“Boys, I wish you a good evening and night”, called Mrs Patton from her window above.<br/>“Oh, and Father Gabriel, I put the food inside your flat.”</p><p>“Thank you”, said the priest, feeling very awkward.</p><p>“As I was about to say, it's getting late. Do you want to go upstairs? Maybe come in for a cup of tea?”</p><p>“Rather not. I’m… I’m fatigued. It was a long day but I will take you by your word, someday, Fay… If that is okay.”</p><p>“Dear Father, you can take me by my word.”<br/>A wink and another flashing of a friendly smile.</p><p>More hesitant eye contact.<br/>Shyly reacting with a coy smile.<br/>“I should go to bed.”</p><p> </p><p>Feeling the warmth under his palm.<br/>“It's alright, love. I like your rambling. Listening to you is calming.”</p><p>Stuttering Gabe replied:”Thank… thank you, Fay.”<br/>His voice was soft, quiet, nice to listen to.</p><p>This guy...He is so endearing, adorable and delightful. I want to protect and keep him close. But at the same time, I want to tease him badly. Gabriel… You are so much more interesting than anybody I know.</p><p>“Only for sweet ones and you are pretty adorable.”</p><p>At the same moment of being panicky and wanting to get rid of the hands-on him, he enjoyed it. <br/>A tiny spark in him craved for affection and enjoyed it.<br/>Too much happened.<br/>The spark needed to be shut down.<br/>He touched Fay’s hand while softly shoving it away and flinched when he realised what he had done.<br/>Traumatised by the touch on bare skin.<br/>Fay noted the reaction on his hand on Gabe’s cheek, so did he notice the non-reactive response on the hand on the knee.<br/>Internally he took notes on the priest.<br/>How he would use the information was left open.<br/>For that moment he knew to a point that the man disliked being touched on his face or skin in general.<br/>Because of the less reactive response to the hand on his knee.<br/>There was nervousness written on his face but not the anxiety from before.</p><p>Something may have happened in the past, Fay speculated.</p><p>“It’s ge-”</p><p>“Boys, I wish you a good evening and night”, called Mrs Patton from her window above.<br/>“Oh, and Father Gabriel, I put the food inside your flat.”</p><p>“Thank you”, said the priest, feeling very awkward.</p><p>“As I was about to say, it's getting late. Do you want to go upstairs? Maybe come in for a cup of tea?”</p><p>“Rather not. I’m… I’m fatigued. It was a long day but I will take you by your word, someday, Fay… If that is okay.”</p><p>“Dear Father, you can take me by my word.”<br/>A wink and another flashing of a friendly smile.</p><p>More hesitant eye contact.<br/>Shyly reacting with a coy smile.<br/>“I should go to bed.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The stairs gave each of them a different feeling.<br/>The priest felt an uneasy pulsation in his throat.<br/>While his new acquaintance was relaxed and kind of excited.<br/>They stopped before Gabe’s flat.</p>
<p>“Seems like it's the end for us for this day, Fay.”</p>
<p>“I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Father. If our ways don't cross this week, we’ll see each other on Sunday.”<br/>He got closer.<br/>Gabe stepped back until he felt the doorknob at his back.</p>
<p>“I want to see you again, dear Father Gabriel.”</p>
<p>Words like temptation in his ears.<br/>Glowing in red light.<br/>The priest felt bad for rejecting life and meaning, the closeness and waiting eyes. <br/>Drawn to the eyes, the soft-looking lips formed to an eager smile and the change Gabriel noticed when Fay realised he gazed again.<br/>He was staring again and again at lips he could never touch, feel the experience.<br/>Sinning once more in his head.<br/>A red flag waving behind his eyes.<br/>Fay was lust.<br/>Not the actual lust, one of the seven sins, but for him, he lived and breathed the lust to live and exist.<br/>To be free and do whatever he wanted.<br/>Longing for the lust of existence.</p>
<p>“See you on Sunday, blush boy.”</p>
<p>It was quick.<br/>Too quick for Gabe to notice right away.<br/>A kiss on the cheek.<br/>Simple, easy, a burning mark.<br/>Gabe wasn't mad at Fay for not asking.<br/>He should be, but he wasn't.<br/>Lust.<br/>A gamer playing with other feelings for his enjoyment.<br/>The realisation Gabriel needed though it wouldn't help.<br/>Spiral down into the trap.</p>
<p>Fay was fast back up the stairs to his flat, closing the door and quietly chuckling to himself.<br/>“This should be fun.”<br/>The jerk in him was sometimes stronger than the reasonable voice inside.<br/>His reasonable voice should kick the jerk for once in the ass.<br/>Might help with stupid ideas.</p>
<p>In his bed, cuddled into his fluffiest blankets he watched his favourite show.<br/>Asking himself the question, <em>Am I an asshole, more than the usual jerk, for teasing and flirting with a priest? A good looking, shy, adorable...Argh, this is frustrating and this episode bores me.</em></p>
<p>He changed through the shows in the time his mind was occupied with thinking.<br/>Not fathoming what he was even doing and why.</p>
<p>
  <em>Gabriel is way too cute for being a priest. He’s a priest and even though I am leaning more to the atheistic and satanist side of life, I still won’t steal him away from his religion. Gosh, I'm a jerk but not that kind of a jerk. It's his life and way and I live mine. A self-destructive, probably unhealthy one but it's mine… Have I ever confessed my sins? Were we ever in church? I guess not. Who would have wanted a bunch of junkies in their oh so holy house of an old man they call God. While I am already thinking for some time, the first time in a while, what the actual fuck do I do at my desk? When did my brain decide it'll be a good idea to walk up to my desk and … probably work?</em>
</p>
<p>Fay started his drawing with warm-up doodles before his commission work.<br/>The mind was too stuffed with thoughts and he both wanted to loosen up his hands and not ruin any commissions with thoughts about a hot priest.</p>
<p>
  <em>I hope I didn't shock him too much with… I guess myself. What the fuck did I even think with starting all of that crap?... Was my guy attraction going wild or what? You stupid gay side of my pansexual ass. Why can't I think more and act less? That would make… everything easier!  Then I wouldn't need to overthink afterwards. You stupid attraction to guys that make me forget that a brain exists to stop me. But no, I start to act like a stupid flirting and teasing asshole who thinks everything is fun and to play with. I’m just a stupid jerk. A good for nothing asshole who shamelessly flirts with an innocent priest. This good looking priest...Fuck. Why can't I like people who are neither men nor people who could get in trouble? Women and people under the nonbinary umbrella are better anyway!... But for him… I should talk to Daisy and she should be able to speak some sense into me… Before I ruin someone who doesn't deserve any of my shit...And, I knew it. I'm drawing him, already. Of course!</em>
</p>
<p>Upset by himself he stared at the screen.<br/>The lighthearted sketches of the priest.<br/>Humbly smiling, capturing the essence of the sad eyes,<br/>What was behind his facade?<br/>Everyone had one.<br/>Which secrets had the priest?</p>
<p>
  <em>Good that I did not end up drawing him as the commission… That would have ended up very not safe for work and unsafe in sky daddy's eyes. Sky daddy is still one of the funniest versions I’ve heard of God mockery and I dig it. Perhaps trying to think of something else can help or music. Now, no more thoughts of Gabe. How normal he looked today. Didn't look like a priest… and no thoughts of him as my current commission… I shouldn't have thought that. Get the fucking image out of my head!</em>
</p>
<p>That night consisted of working on three of his art commissions.<br/>Motivated by the thought of not thinking about his adorable neighbour.<br/>In the background buzzed quiet rock music and one of his favourite shows.<br/>The night went by fast.<br/>He got all three commissions done, four more to go to finish all.<br/>Soon he'd be able to reopen the commissions.<br/>Fay deserved in his opinion a quick round of stretching his tense body and a smoke break.<br/>Clouds covered the night sky, a delightful view.<br/>Some other day he should paint it again.<br/>As the night view was his old companion, he should give them a memorial in paint.<br/>The stars were gone for that night and only the moon's light glimmered through the clouds.<br/>Someone wandered to the house at the moment Fay took his first puff of the comforting smoke.<br/>Tall individual stalking through the hazy night.<br/>Father Gabriel was out early, very early.<br/>Fay checked the time.<br/>Half-past five am.<br/>Their looks crossed.<br/>Maybe speechless by the early sight Fay waved at him.<br/>Waving back timidly was the priest's answer.<br/>The night was hazy and chilly.<br/>If those were good circumstances to go for a run was unknown to Fay.</p>
<p>After that incident, their ways did not meet again until Sunday.<br/>Gabe’s days were packed enough with work and he avoided contact with Fay.<br/>He met up with Daisy.<br/>After her wish they met up in a coffee shop a town away.<br/>And to neither feel uncomfortable nor scare her, he chose casual wear.<br/>It was nice to talk to her and to find out about the relationship, or better said the friendship of the two.<br/>There was nothing that could concern her parents, normally.<br/>But because they had different beliefs and views there was no way they'd accept their friendship.<br/>Fay wasn't a positive part of any view.<br/>A rebellious young man and an example of bad life choices.<br/>In the end, both had no idea what her mother and Mrs Jenkins wanted out of the conversation.<br/>They agreed that they probably wanted him to change her into obedience which he was completely against.<br/>First steps were taken in the direction of friendship.<br/>Perhaps?<br/>Fay's and Daisy's friendship was just a friendship.<br/>Two persons with similar humour and interests.<br/>That was all.<br/>Parents can get scared so easily when they have no control over their offspring.<br/>It's their problem.</p>
<p><br/>His new passion was to work with the youth of the town.<br/>In his opinion, it didn't work that bad.<br/>Until this day they had three meetings.<br/>They were pretty nice and haven't had a problem with him, he hoped.<br/>Everything to this point was basic.<br/>Gabe didn't have a plan he followed.<br/>That usually meant they would give him a subject they would discuss then.<br/>Always open to questions and critique.<br/>Comfortable around the easy-going priest.<br/>He didn't judge them for the things they have done nor did he force them to follow God's way.<br/>It was their journey to find their way, religion or no religion and purpose in life.<br/>The priest was just a road sign to more paths.<br/>At first, they were confused about his approach and openness but in the end, they did enjoy this transparency more than their conservative parents.</p>
<p>Some things he picked up from information to that point was that some of the teens had problems with figuring out both their gender identity and sexuality.<br/>After that, he decided to let them write on paper the pronouns they preferred or would like to try out.<br/>Then everyone would say something nice about them with the pronouns.<br/>It was their decision if it felt right or not.<br/>The idea got backlash from a few teenagers and parents.<br/>In the week afterwards, he held a presentation about gender identities and sexualities.<br/>Not only with the bible in mind but for them to know as schools seldomly have space for more than straight and cisgender.<br/>Or they had bad transgender representation in lectures.<br/>Ignorant opinions changed and Gabe felt relieved.<br/>Their feedback was positive and some who were in the closet thanked him for the valid and correct representation, which he was scared of the most as he was a guy who was born as one and ok with that.<br/>He wasn't part of the transgender community and could never fully understand their struggles.</p>
<p>Those weren't the only things he learned.<br/>Though the next weren't clear and more his observations and gossip.<br/>Poppy most certainly was in a relationship with her friend Laurence.<br/>Doesn't sound bad or complicated if it wasn't for her parents not liking him for having bad grades and barely making it in school.<br/>Her parents had rules for life for her which sounded ridiculous written down and spoken out loud.<br/>In the eyes of a young person who gets forced to follow them, of course.<br/>It sounded like a way to lose the joy of the fragile teen years.</p>
<p>Rule number one: No dating before graduation<br/>Rule number two: No sex before marriage ( As most Christian parents praise)<br/>Rule number three: No dating someone with low grades</p>
<p>Something doesn't add up there.<br/>The ridiculousness of their rules.<br/>Everyone under 21 knew what was going on between them.<br/>Didn't matter if it was the pure or naughty side.<br/>Others knew but not their parents.<br/>A secret lover.<br/>Their version of Romeo and Juliet but without the dying part.<br/>How long they would date without their parents knowing was unknown.<br/>In the youth group, they have started to bet.<br/>The couple has joined them, more out of spite than enjoyment.</p>
<p>Since Gabriel has rebuilt the youth sessions after parental request, the teenagers in town got along better.<br/>Not only because they got forced to spend time together.<br/>With time they got to know one another better.<br/>This way some found a friend in someone else.<br/>Some parents asked him too if he could teach their younger children the way to God too.<br/>The priest didn't feel ready to work with children but he wanted to later.<br/>Children are the easiest to manipulate and he wasn't ready to help form them.<br/>They needed to be 15 to join his youth group.<br/>Right in the middle of puberty and its chaos.<br/>Another time of easy manipulation.<br/>A long time ago he went through that time of change too but all memory was erased.<br/>How did he handle it?<br/>Was there any helpful advice, good words or tips on surviving the hormonal roller coaster?<br/>A guess was, no, while the answer stayed unclear.</p>
<p>The following Sunday arrived faster than anticipated.<br/>To avoid Fay did not work that well either because they caught glimpses of one another in the morning hours.<br/>When he came back from his run commonly.<br/>Even when Fay wasn't at the window to smoke, Gabe looked up.<br/>something in him wished to catch a look at the man up there.<br/>The cigarette held casually in his hand, hair tied up to not fall in his view and his eyes watching every move of him.<br/>Stared down from his windowsill, taking a puff from the smoke and watched.</p>
<p>Why was he nervous to see Fay?<br/>There was no sense in his anxious behaviour that led to the hurting stomach.<br/>All morning he was agitated and restless.<br/>His rest was short and felt like it never happened.<br/>Soon the mass would begin and no short guy insight.<br/>The church benches got filled steadily.<br/>His eyes wandered back and forth from the door to the clock at the wall.<br/>Forced himself to portray the relaxed and carefree smile people wanted to see.<br/>When he turned to the altar to look at the marked page of the day, he saw someone sneakily enter the room.<br/>Unnoticed by everybody else he took place in the shadows.<br/>Gabriel took a deep breath.<br/>It was all routine he was able to do.</p>
<p>Beginning with his speech followed by asking everyone to take accountability of their sins.<br/>Everyone has committed sins and without them, we wouldn’t truthfully live, wouldn't we?<br/>The rest of the mass blurred into an opaque mental mist.<br/>Like every time, the realisation hit him when he sat alone before the altar.<br/>At least he thought he was all alone.<br/>The rest of the mass blurred into an opaque mental mist.<br/>Similar to whenever the realisation hit him as he sat alone before the altar.<br/>At least he thought he was alone.<br/>Praying quietly with closed eyes.<br/>Hands positioned in his lap and the calm feeling of peace.<br/>A deceptive feeling as he would discover in a matter of moments.<br/>No sound escaped him as he expressed his thoughts.<br/>Observative looks on his neck, which he thought were the usual paranoid manifestations of his fears, staring at him.</p>
<p>“What are you thinking of, Father?”</p>
<p>Shocked by the noise behind him, Gabriel turned around.<br/>Fay was sitting in the row behind him.<br/>Grinning with amusement, he looked at the priest.'s face, which was blushing with shame.<br/>Too adorable to look at, that was the way he was.<br/>Far too attractive.<br/>The longer Fay's eyes lingered on him, the less he wanted to pull himself together.<br/>Not to lose himself in the eyes and the embarrassment.<br/>He didn't want to fall in love with the first interesting guy he met that he couldn't have.<br/>Conflict of interests.<br/>A crossing of their two paths would end in pain, but if it was so sweet to even dare to hurt.<br/>The one whose soul thirsted to find someone who would show him his paradise, his purpose in the world.<br/>That person was not supposed to be a priest.<br/>It wasn't meant to be, was it?<br/>And yet Fay ended up in church on a Sunday noon.<br/>Mrs Patton had even somehow gotten him to put on a jacket over his shirt.<br/>This would not end with him converting.<br/>His pride and non-existent inclination towards a god were on his side.<br/>From the look of Gabriel, he would accept this.<br/>His body language said a lot more.<br/>The psychology class had been worth it after all.</p>
<p>“In my head?... I… I was going through my prayers. That is all…”</p>
<p>"Any more thoughts than that?", Fay asked jokingly.</p>
<p>"Uhm, I think it is pretty empty... for now, I guess."</p>
<p>"Is that my fault, Gabriel, oh sorry. I mean Father Gabriel."<br/>Fay leaned forward.<br/>Gabe already tried to prepare himself internally for anything that this flirty human would say.<br/>As with any try before it did not work out.</p>
<p>“I don't know if it is your fault. Why are you smiling like this? Are… are you holding in a laugh, Fay?”</p>
<p>“I just thought of the funniest thing… Be prepared... You come here often?”</p>
<p>When Gabe realised the words he chuckled.<br/>“That was a good one, Fay”, the priest giggled.<br/>“And yes, I come here often. It is my job.”</p>
<p>The uneasy atmosphere relaxed and so did the guys.<br/>Tender smiles.</p>
<p>“You have an adorable laugh, Gabriel.”</p>
<p>"Are you... trying to flirt with me?"</p>
<p>Fay giggled.<br/>"You are realising it now? Yes, I guess I tried."</p>
<p>"Oh… I'm flattered? Should I be? Nobody has flirted with me before. I think."</p>
<p>"I can be more obvious."<br/>He took the priests hand.<br/>"Your hand fits in mine so nicely. It's cute just like you."</p>
<p>Gabriel’s heart skipped a beat. <br/>Fay took his breath away with the cheesiest lines.<br/>His gaze softened looking at his hand in Fay’s.<br/>It didn't feel bad.<br/>He was nervous and wasn't sure how long the anxious voice would take to change the touch to a burning feeling.<br/>Quietly the priest breathed in deep when Fay let go of his hand to check his phone.</p>
<p>“I should go back, now. Promised our dear Valerie to eat with her. Maybe see you later, Gabriel”</p>
<p><br/>“Yeah, I wish you a nice day, Fay”, babbled the priest.<br/>Frozen on his seat he watched the young man leave.<br/>Brain functions needed to restart.</p>
<p>Outside the church, Fay felt the urge to run.<br/>Run like there were a bunch of bullies chasing after him.<br/>Air streamed down his lungs, blood pumped through his veins and his ears shut down.<br/>Down the hill, along the path.<br/>At the gate, to the town, he turned right to jog down another trail.<br/>More time to feel his feet flying over the dry pathway.<br/>His brain was processing every word he said and every reaction of Gabriel.<br/>Memorising his beauty in detail.</p>
<p>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His invitation for tea was open without an expiry date, but he had not expected the priest to take it up so soon.<br/>Shortly before midnight knocked someone against his door.<br/>The person couldn’t be Valerie as she would already be in bed.<br/>What was the reason Gabriel stood not long afterwards awkwardly in his room?</p><p>“Do you want anything?”</p><p>“I don’t need anything. I am pretty alright... or wait. Do you have tea?”</p><p>“Tea?... oh yeah. Now I get it.”<br/>The fog in Fay’s mind lifted.<br/>Tiredness from being up all day slowed down his thinking process.<br/>And he was not the fastest thinker most of the time.<br/>Due to the late realisation, he concerned the never resting thought conscious of the priest.<br/>“I’m sorry”, Gabriel murmured,” I guess I should go.”</p><p>“No, wait.”<br/>Fay grabbed his arm before he could leave the room. <br/>Let go quickly when Gabe’s eyes widened and his body tensed up.<br/>“I told you, I’d love to grab a tea with you and I still do. Please stay, Gabriel. It would be great to have your company. You can sit down wherever you want."<br/>He went to the kitchen, searched through his kitchen cabinet after more than the earl grey tea, however, he could only find one that was named after a flower.<br/>It smelled horrible.<br/>“Do you mind earl grey tea?”</p><p>“Uhm no, I like earl grey.”</p><p>During the time Fay watched over the tea in the kitchen, Gabe looked around in his room.<br/>Examined the posters at the walls and the red cosy appearing couch.<br/>The desk is equipped with an expensive-looking pc and graphic tablet.<br/>His neighbour resembled to have overlooked that the display was still on since the priest looked both fascinated and weirded out at the computer.<br/>Gripped by the image he couldn’t take his eyes off.</p><p>“Is anything-... oh... well that is ...", he cleared his throat, "inconvenient.”</p><p>“Probably”, Gabe agreed.<br/>A sudden sensation of chills went down the artist’s spine.<br/>“But I think the anatomy of this piece is remarkable.”</p><p>“Gabriel... I appreciate your compliment, but...How do I say this without it sounding too weird? That's a dude giving another one a blowjob... Why do you compliment the anatomy?... Thank you though.”<br/> <br/>“Yes, Fay, I do see.... what happens here but ... the aesthetic of the scenery and the colours... oh, and the expressions are great.<br/>I just think it looks neat.”</p><p>“Dude, I can’t tell if you are serious or not. Is this “the hidden camera” or what? Are you some secretly very sexual priest? Hiding anything behind those watercolour eyes?”<br/>Focusing the priest.<br/>Trying to look into his thoughts.</p><p>“N...no. I'm not hiding anything. I can be a priest and still enjoy art. Have you ever looked at Christian art? The seriousness of some artists to portray men handsome and in borderline sexual positions is… impeccable...What am I even saying? Gosh. I talk crap”</p><p>“Hey, I learned something and we equally feel embarrassed. I’m content and-”</p><p>The teapot whistled in the kitchen.</p><p>“To keep it short and before my teapot explodes. I'm doing next to normal commissions and selling my art, not safe for work commissions.”</p><p>Gabriel viewed the art again.<br/>Envied those who could turn a blank space into a creation.<br/>Mind-wandering to the reason why his love for art began.<br/>A painting of an angel.<br/>Fay entered the room again with the tea.<br/>Some light switch turned on in the priest's mind.<br/>They had similar eyes, the painted man and Fay.<br/>Pain hidden behind massive walls.<br/>At least that was Gabriel's interpretation.<br/>Elegance in the devil's eye.<br/>His mind carousel should take a break to rest.<br/>A clown juggling and joking.<br/>Who was he?<br/>Nothing more than a phantom.</p><p>"Gabe? Everything okay?"</p><p>"Uh...What?...Yeah, yes I am alright. Did you call me Gabe?"</p><p>"You didn't react to Gabriel. Another name, another chance." <br/>Shrugging off the guilt of forgetting to add Father before the name.<br/>"Here's your tea."</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>Silence and even more self-consciousness.<br/>Gabriel sat on the bed and Fay on the gaming chair.<br/>Quietly they drank their tea.</p><p>"You said you're an artist?"</p><p>"I am. Been doing that for some time and a while I was at an art school but it did not make me happy. To go back to a different and more interesting topic. Was Christian art your queer awakening?"</p><p>Confounded Gabriel wanted to know:” Wasn't queer a slur?”</p><p>“It was used before as a slur but those in the lgbtq+ community who were questioning or couldn’t fit in started to use it to define themselves. So, yeah, it was a slur and possibly some still use it as one."</p><p>“Good to know. I should stay up to date. An awakening…? I don’t know. If I wasn’t a priest I’d think men and women are attractive and would call myself interested. Regardless, I am a priest. It does not matter who I think I am attracted to. I would never be able to love or be intimate with anybody.”</p><p>Self-satisfied, Fay smirked from the gaming chair.<br/>He had been right in guessing that the priest could not be straight. Guessing works, just not for heteros. Gay radar check.</p><p>“What about you? Which sexuality do you identify with?”</p><p>“I am pansexual and not as a lot of people would say a bi denying biphob. The gender of my sexual partners or love interests is not important to me. It was never important to me."<br/>He took a sip from his tea.<br/>Gazing to the priest who looked like someone who finally found a reliable source of knowledge.</p><p>“Does it make it easier?”</p><p>“Easier? To accept me as the person I am or those I am attracted to? To find someone who loves me? If you think this way I’m sorry to pop your bubble. Nothing is easier when people immediately think you are a cheater, a slut or your sexuality is invalid for the sake of saying you are actually gay or straight. A snowflake who wants to be special. Or they try to erase nonbinary and transgender identities or identities they don’t understand.” </p><p>His stare was pinned at the band poster above from Gabriel.<br/>Hesitant of what to do, he watched Fay taking a deep breath before continuing.</p><p>“Having a name for your feelings does not erase all problems you have and you might get more. I hate the fact that people turn their back on me since they assume I just want to fuck them. And sometimes that is the only reason some want me. To join a threesome or to try something out. They think I am sex loving freaky guy which I am not. Having sex is fine and it can be fun. Still, that does not mean my whole existence, my whole personality evolves around fucking with everyone who wants. And yes, I know about those rumours. You know how townsfolk are. Always exaggerating for the joy of shit-talking”</p><p>“Oh, wow. I am very sorry you needed to experience all this. What can I do to be better and support the youth?”</p><p>“Don’t be a dick, educate yourself and ask those who identify with whatever. Some people use specific pronouns. If you make fun of them, you should know. I am not afraid to punch a cop equally meaning I am not afraid to punch a priest. Respect all identities or feel my rage.”</p><p>The grin Fay had on his face felt both scarily calm and comforting.<br/>If you could call it a sarcastic comfort that would be accurate.</p><p>“Sorry if it was overwhelming to have talked so much. We met a week ago and I’ve been pretty weird till now.”<br/>Gabriel saw vulnerability in his eyes.</p><p>“Please don’t worry, Fay. I don’t really mind that you talk as I have problems keeping a conversation up or I speak little.”<br/> <br/>The long-haired man stared a moment at him.<br/>Eyes radiating in an enchanting way.<br/>A statue on a seat.<br/>Welcome to the land of marbled figurines.<br/>Striking architecture of a human.</p><p>You’re only my view tonight… Where are my thoughts leading me again? We don't know us well yet and do I need to remind myself, after years of training and my childhood that I am a priest. I was born to be one and never for something else. He is not mine and I shouldn’t have these thoughts and neither the wish to be drawn. By him. Fay. Dear Lord, forgive me for my thoughts.</p><p>“Seems like we both won’t talk that much more tonight. Until we run out of words to speak, I want to say sorry for acting like a dick. Teasing is kind of what I do but when I go too far. Call me out. Hurting you or making you feel uncomfortable is not my reason behind it. Most of it is me joking and waiting if I get a reaction or if you join. Somewhat a thing between friends despite us not being friends yet. Uhm… I ramble again. Fuck. Guess I keep on trying to make you feel more comfortable and it doesn’t work out-”</p><p>“Fay.”</p><p>His neighbour has got caught up again in his words.<br/>Disappointed by losing control over sharing information.<br/>How much should he say? <br/>What is too much and what is necessary?<br/>The first time in very long he was anxious about talking to someone.<br/>It didn't seem so.<br/>His confidence was slowly vanishing.<br/>In spite of that, he did not want Gabe to go or leave himself.</p><p>"It's okay, really. I'd love to be friends with you. Your voice is nice to listen to and-"</p><p>"Gosh, you're so fucking cute."<br/>Interrupted Fay the priest and threw him out of rhythm.</p><p>"Wha..what?"</p><p>"I'm sorry, I said my thoughts out loud. It's just you're so nice and great company. Talking to you is… somehow comfortable? I have no idea why and I feel insecure but don't want you to leave. I'm confused. You are so contradictory to me but I… want more."</p><p>Crackling air underlined by dimmed light.<br/>Contemplation of desire.<br/>Emptiness in the minds.<br/>What should they do?<br/>Seek the closeness of a stranger?<br/>Someone he was just about to try to call a friend.<br/>There was a spark, a desire that fascinated them both from the very first moment.<br/>They had time.<br/>Getting to know each other and exploring the sensation.<br/>Time.<br/>Funny how quickly it passed.<br/>His eyes felt heavy as he tried to glance at Fay.<br/>Should he respond to Fay's words?<br/>That he felt that way himself?<br/>Wanting more from him.<br/>Thoughts that circled him and made him go crazy.</p><p>"Um... do you like listening to music or something. Watch a movie?" asked Fay.<br/>“Am I disturbing your thoughts? You seem lost when I talk to you. Is your head that full of thoughts? Perhaps even me?”</p><p>Gabe avoided his look.<br/>Staring down into his cup of tea.<br/>Breathing down watching the water move.<br/>“Maybe.”<br/>Words mumbled down the tea.<br/>Fay didn’t ask. </p><p>“Wanna listen to music?”</p><p>“Do you not want to finish this… piece of art?”</p><p>The question took him by surprise.<br/>“Uhm… I wanted to finish it later. Do you want to go or?”</p><p>“No, I mean… I’d like to watch. I apologize. That sounded unintendedly weird. Art fascinates me and I never really got the chance to watch the process. Yes, don’t look at me like that. The internet exists. I forget it. Do you mind?”</p><p>Eyebrows arching up.<br/>Fay opened his mouth, ready to answer yet no words wanted to slip out.<br/>He held his hand high to signify Gabriel to wait.<br/>“How am I supposed to find words when you are adorable. May sound weird too but hey, we are both weird in this situation. You really want to watch me colour the art and finish the background?... Pardon me, usually, I hear different things about my art. And usually, people don’t see me do NSFW art. Uhm… sure?”</p><p>“Is it less weird to ask if you could draw me?”<br/>Cheeks warming up from the fidgety flame inside of him.<br/>Timid glances to the artist whose eyes were closed.<br/>Thoughts swallowed up in the lo-fi music in the background.<br/>“In general I want to get paid for drawing somebody. Yet you are a cutie and I think you are perfect to draw. I’ll do it. Please take a position you feel comfortable in or lay down.”</p><p>"Okay. Anything else?"</p><p>"You can take your clothes off."<br/>A laugh burst out of him as he saw the priest stop in his motion.<br/>"It was a joke", he laughed, not able to take himself seriously.</p><p>Blinking of confusion was the priest’s answer.<br/>“Do you think I have words to answer that?”</p><p>“Another round of embarrassment, yay. We are in the flow.”<br/>Murmuring to himself:” What the hell is wrong with me. I can’t stop talking.”</p><p>With the sketchbook laying on his lap and the pencil in his hand, studying the priest from top to bottom.</p><p>
  <em>Why does he look like he pouts? Is that his concentrated face? </em>
</p><p>Ravishing beauty looking down to him.<br/>Admiring beauty.<br/>Hypnotised by his existence in the dimmed light.<br/>Soft shining on his skin, lips and a shadow over his eyes.<br/>Eyes soon falling shut.</p><p>Fay didn't want to take his gaze off him.<br/>Perhaps because it was hard to do too.<br/>Another reason was the danger of all being a dream.<br/>Way too good to be true.<br/>Easy to be nothing more than a night hallucination.<br/>A dream creeping inside of him with an unknown ending.<br/>His head joggled around with ideas of pure and impure nature.<br/>Swallowing down the urge to sigh out the frustration of reality.<br/>Checking out Gabriel’s body with underlying sinful images.<br/>What did he hide under the oversized sweater?<br/>Did he have his own moments of falling down the spiral sinning thoughts?<br/>A priest with seducing thoughts?<br/>Additional pictures in his head.</p><p>
  <em>I hate it. Concentrate you fucking idiot. There is a very good looking dude laying on your bed. Yes, he is totally your type but you can’t like him. Friends? Sure, why the hell not. Though do not fall in love with someone who will never love you back. Somebody who can’t kiss or hold your hand in public. And not to forget, you know him for not even a week if you count the days you have actually had conversations. Get to know him, you absolute moron.</em>
</p><p>Line for line composed the mesmerised priest.<br/>He wants to be closer to the artist.<br/>Close enough to watch him sketch.<br/>Close enough to feel... warmth? <br/>Focus on him.<br/>Spotlight on, draped on the stage, only the view of one person.<br/>Exhaustion laying a blanket of comfort over him as he sunk into rest. <br/>One last gaze to the drawing man before his mind decided who would be the main character in his dream.</p><p>Gabriel’s inner clock worked on time.<br/>Five in the morning and he was up.<br/>In a warm bed, a room he did not recognize and a guy laying on a red couch.<br/>Something did not add up.<br/>Where was he?<br/>Oh, yeah, Fay.<br/>Fay.<br/>He was in his flat.<br/>Slept in his bed.<br/>Earlier there was no blanket over him.<br/>Must have been his neighbour who seemed to sleep on the couch.<br/>Soft breathing and surprisingly was the music still on.</p><p>Outside, the moon was glowing as beautiful as always.<br/>At the door, Gabe froze.<br/>Unsure if he should leave without saying goodbye or not.<br/>His questioning was answered for him.</p><p>“You are leaving?”, yawned someone behind him.<br/>Alarmed he turned around.<br/>Drowsy he leaned against the wall, letting go of another yawn.</p><p>“I...Uhm, yes. I...got to...go. I got to go, yes.”<br/>Vague peeks over his new friend who was clothed in a tank top and boxer shorts.</p><p>Arms crossed before his chest, smirking at the nervous seeming priest.<br/>Catching his look wandering over him.<br/>“Are you checking me out?”</p><p>Caught off guard stumbled Gabriel over his words.<br/>“I guess…? Really I don’t know. I apologize.”<br/>Staring down to his feet.</p><p>“Let me take it as a compliment and have a good day, Father.”</p><p>“You...you too, Fay.”</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Winter was around the corner realised the priest that morning.<br/>Jogging around town, over hills and tracks in the forest.<br/>Inhaling the cold air aching in his lungs.<br/>Noticed the small patches of snow on the ground and grass.<br/>Has it snowed the night before?<br/>In no time would be Christmas and New Year’s Eve.<br/>After that, another three months and he would be in town for a year.<br/>Time was running quickly.<br/>In the blink of an eye, everything changed.<br/>His work consumed his day while the nights were filled by the visit of a specific flat.<br/>Since the night he fell asleep at Fay’s flat and in his bed, Gabe had the impulse to be there over and over again.<br/>As it turned out to happen.<br/>Ambience of peace.<br/>Fay’s place ended up being more used by Gabriel than the priest’s own.<br/>The rooms lacked light.<br/>There was no feeling of home or safety.<br/>Depressing, blank walls.<br/>Ghosts of misery haunting the shadows.</p><p>One more deep breath on the hill.<br/>Another foggy day to survive.<br/>Survive his struggles and problems he covered up.<br/>Beaming smiles to cheer up the frigid church atmosphere for the youth.<br/>Their company was better than he would have thought.<br/>Being able to teach God’s word in a stress-free way, even when some decided for themselves it was not their way.<br/>They listened and discussed.<br/>What a joy to be with them.<br/>Hopes on them for staying true to themselves.</p><p>Further, he wished his friendship to Fay could develop.<br/>In what kind of way Gabriel could not fathom himself.<br/>Was it love he experienced as the two of them grew closer throughout their midnight tea meetings?<br/>Or was it the longing for a deep and rich friendship he has secretly wished for?<br/>At the beginning of all, he told himself to not need anybody but himself.<br/>Empty promises easy to be blown away.<br/>The company of the long-haired man was one of a kind.<br/>He wished to have more time to join him in the warmth of his flat.<br/>Hiding from everything and himself.<br/>Every thought wishing it would end.<br/>And then there was Fay.<br/>Somebody who let him experience another heaven on earth.<br/>Bedroom for the restless minds.<br/>The guest who stole the artist’s bed most of the nights.<br/>Embracing every moment together.<br/>Was this home?<br/>Close enough.</p><p>Back at the house, he looked up.<br/>Up to the closed windows and the only lightened one.<br/>Valerie waved down to him as she saw his figure appear outside.<br/>Her eyes had wandered to the hazy hills of the town.<br/>Wondering when he would be back.<br/>By her side in her glory was Daisy, chopping vegetables, smiling when Valerie looked to her.</p><p>“How are your studies going, love?”</p><p>Daisy’s visage spoke more volumes than her mouth could.</p><p>“That bad?”</p><p>“You could say as everything is hella boring and I don’t want anymore and never did if I’m being honest. I love learning but this gets over my head.”<br/>Frustrated by her inability to cut and talk at the same time, she stared at the carrots on the wooden board.</p><p>Knocking at the door interrupted their chat.<br/>The priest greeted both of them, asking if they required help.</p><p>“No worries, we are done soon.”<br/>Mrs Patton noticed his gaze moving around.<br/>“He won’t come for dinner. Fay was up earlier but went to bed again… around one hour ago, didn’t he?”<br/>Daisy nod in agreement.</p><p>“Oh, no, I was… I wasn’t looking for him. Just curious. Why are you looking at me like that with… frustration?”</p><p>Valerie and Daisy exchanged looks of knowledge.<br/>Hiding affection for someone was more difficult when you had it written in your eyes.<br/>“You can bring him the meal later, love. He will be happy to see you.”<br/>Grinning at the sight of a shy blush on the priest’s cheeks, she softly pet his head.</p><p>"I...uhm…"</p><p>“Don’t worry, Father Gabriel, we just tease a bit.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. I get why Fay likes to annoy you”, grinned Daisy.<br/>Done with the vegetables that are ready to be cooked.</p><p>Daisy was a frequent guest in the house and joy of all.<br/>Her company was in the beginning awkward for the priest and herself after them talking because of her mother’s request.<br/>The friendship of Fay and Daisy did not end which made Mrs Jenkins more furious than the mother who unhappily accepted it.<br/>Gabriel has watched them sometimes when she came over in summer.<br/>The room was filled with laughter and jokes.<br/>Happiness.<br/>Smiles without underlying sadness.<br/>Valerie's kitchen allowed no frowned faces.<br/>No tenseness in the atmosphere.<br/>He could relax in peace.<br/>Nervousness didn't let go of his intestines.<br/>Rumbling around, sweaty palms and the breaking voice.</p><p>Falling in line with the routine he cherished.<br/>Amongst those who won't judge him.<br/>Not asking for the depths of his mind or the weights on his chest.<br/>Leaving him the option to talk or to stay quiet.<br/>Unlike his family.<br/>What would they think of him?<br/>Disgusting, filthy attention seeker.<br/>Sounds about right.<br/>Their view of him was merciless.<br/>He wasn't more than an inconvenience.<br/>Since the day everyone pushed him away, he had attempted to be better.<br/>Unsuccessful, as expected.<br/>Stuck up folks clinging onto their traditions.<br/>Blaming the hurt one for the decision of a higher individual.<br/>Higher in their minds.<br/>Despite that, he was not above the devotees.<br/>The preacher shall follow their own words, not tell trivial lies to satisfy the ones afraid of change.</p><p>"Is it normal that we lose you in conversations to your thoughts?", asked Daisy.<br/>Catching the look of the priest who looked away immediately.</p><p>"I apologize. I am aware that I am apologizing often. Spacing out kind of-"</p><p>"Don't worry."<br/>Kind smile of friends.<br/>Comfort for the mind on edge.<br/>"Thank you again, Valerie, for the stunning dinner. Next time you sit down and I cook for us. You do enough."</p><p>"Love, I am happy being able to take care of someone other than me. You've grown to a part of this tiny family."</p><p>"Stop, or I start to cry. For real."</p><p>The priest noted them falling into each other's arms at the door when Daisy left to go back to her flat.<br/>They encouraged him to join the hug.<br/>He declined politely.<br/>Continuing to be aware of the tenseness in his body about being touched.</p><p>Waving Daisy goodbye filled him with sadness he couldn’t figure out why.<br/>She and he weren’t close, yet.<br/>Yet?<br/>Was there a possibility for them to become friends?<br/>A voice in the back of his head warned him of the danger of closeness, at the same time was the needy sound of a voice wishing for her company.<br/>Full of passion and life.<br/>Much like Fay.<br/>Shouldn’t he deliver him food?</p><p> </p><p>“Were you waiting for me?”, bantered the priest as the door was opened before he was done knocking.</p><p>“Mayhap”, winked Fay.<br/>“Could be too that I am hungry and in need of a break, my dear friend.”<br/>Relaxed grins of casual companions.<br/>Routine of insomniac lives.</p><p>A usual night for the two of them at this point, was the midnight tea.<br/>Gabe rested on Fay's bed.<br/>Half-awake, half asleep reading a book.<br/>Trying to stay awake but the cosiness of the bed tempted him to fall asleep.<br/>From all the nights he had already spent in this bed, he did realise that there was something new.<br/>New was a grey fluffy blanket he has nestled himself into.<br/>Had Fay bought the blanket for him?<br/>Perhaps?<br/>His nightly companion worked on art commissions like every night.<br/>The empty bowl and cup on the stool next to him.<br/>He seemed to be done soon.<br/>This time it was an individual with a cat, a witch's hat, a broom and a very colourful background.<br/>Almost done.<br/>Fay turned to him.</p><p>"Gabriel, if you are tired, sleep. You can sleep here again if you want. Your eyelids look like they'll close shut any moment."<br/>He showed Gabe a warm smile and his eyes looked soft to him.</p><p>Still, half-asleep Gabe mumbled words, he couldn't process until they were said out loud.<br/>"Yes, but I wanted to stay awake to drink tea with my fallen angel."</p><p>What followed after the last words were spoken was silence.<br/>Gabe realised the mess his words made too late.</p><p>"If you wanted to drink tea, you could have told me earlier. No wait, you can always tell me. I forget to take breaks while working so easily and that'd be a good reminder."<br/>Fay got off the chair and sat down next to Gabe on the bed.<br/>"To go back to your words. I am your fallen angel? Gabe?...No, stop hiding behind the pillow", Fay laughed.<br/>Putting the pillow to the side the priest held before.</p><p>"Hey", said Fay softly, caressing Gabe's cheek with his thumb.<br/>"It's cute being called your fallen angel, Gabriel. You, who wears the name of an actual angel. Ok, yes, an archangel. Still an angel to me.<br/>Did I hit a milestone? I'm the fallen angel of a priest!"<br/>More soft chuckling from Fay and Gabe couldn't stay mad.<br/>He felt embarrassed.<br/>When Fay became aware of his friend feeling this way, he said: "Father, you don't need to feel embarrassed. I'm just teasing. I don't mean to hurt you… Come", he tapped on the bed. "Lay down with me, my sweet, adorable, sleepy friend."</p><p>Fay took the blanket that was on the ground and nestled himself, like Gabe, into it.<br/>The bed was big enough for the two of them.<br/>Even with some space between them.<br/>After some time of staring at the wall, because Gabe did not want to stare at the good looking guy next to him, he asked:" Could you hug me?"<br/>The question asked for the first time.</p><p>It took Fay a good minute to internally understand his question when he looked up from his phone.<br/>Another open smile for the young priest.<br/>He made Gabe feel warm inside.<br/>Turning to him and gently placing his arms around Gabe.<br/>The priest appreciated Fay asking if it was okay, every time he changed his position a bit.<br/>Their faces came close enough to almost touch.<br/>Shy smiles got exchanged.</p><p>"Thank you", whispered Gabe.<br/>Gasped faintly as the artist accidentally touched his back under the sweater.</p><p>Fay rested his head on Gabe’s shoulder.<br/>Gabe didn't feel at stake anymore when someone touched his face.<br/>Maybe, only if those who touch him are Mrs Patton or… Fay.</p><p>“Did I tell you that Mrs Jenkins wants me to convert you and change you after her liking”, mumbled the priest against his shoulder.</p><p>“Yes, love, whenever you are this sleepy and feel bad about it. It's alright. We can talk about it but not now. Alright?”</p><p>Gabriel yawned a yes and nuzzled his face more against Fay’s shoulder.<br/>A good night kiss planted on his head.<br/>Soft breathing and tender rain falling outside.<br/>Dripping against the window.<br/>Tiring lullaby.<br/>They felt at peace as the lo-fi music played in the barely lit room.<br/>Sereness circling around them like a safe bubble.<br/>With calmness in their hearts and the quiet sounding of heartbeats and breaths, they fell asleep.</p><p> </p><p>Waking up in Fay's bed was nice and all though he felt guilty for stealing his bed so often.<br/>Not every night fell Gabe asleep in the artist's bed however it happened consistently.</p><p>"Fay."</p><p>"Yes, love?", yawned the artist laying next to him.<br/>Sleepy eyes and more yawning followed.<br/>Rubbing his eyes to get the focus back in the dark.<br/>The light was off.<br/>His lamp had a timer.</p><p>"Are you annoyed by me being here constantly?"</p><p>"Do you think this way? Love, you don't annoy me. I like your presence here. My worry is just that you look... uhm rather sleep deprived. You wake up early every day and stay up with me. Your work is draining. I get that. Please take more care of yourself and sleep earlier. If you need help with finding solutions for your insomnia I could help you. Or is it the loneliness in your flat?"</p><p>"I'm… not sure, to be honest. More sleep would be better, you're right but I can't sleep so good in my flat. I like staying up with you-"</p><p>Startled by the concerned look on Fay's face he stopped.<br/>Concerned eyes.<br/>Weird, wrong, why?<br/>Stop, please.<br/>Concern felt incorrect, absurd, unreal.<br/>Why would anybody worry about his missing sleep and him?<br/>Flinched by the motion of Fay raising his arm to reach him.<br/>Backing off as he realised the reaction.<br/>He sat up.<br/>They stayed quiet.</p><p>"Would it be an option for you to open the church later?", enquired Fay.</p><p>"I can't just open church later… or can I?"</p><p>"Did I break your brain?"</p><p>"No. It's… it's honestly nothing I thought of before. I'll make a poll and ask around."</p><p>"That sounds good, love."<br/>With his half-asleep mind, Fay didn't understand what he had done.<br/>Leaving a kiss on Gabe's cheek.</p><p>"Have a-... I'm so sorry... Gabriel? Are you okay? You're blushing heavily. Will you accept my apology. I… I didn't think. Another question would be, when am I even thinking? "</p><p>A deer in the headlights.<br/>Most accurate description of him, Fay would say.<br/>Mouth opened, maybe to give an answer however his voice has left him.<br/>Grabbing onto Fay's shirt as he tried to leave his bed.</p><p>"Should I stay?"</p><p>Head movement of agreement.<br/>Sitting back down next to him.</p><p>“Forgive me. I’ve noticed that you react sensitive and anxious to touch. I did not mean to kiss you on the cheek. It’s a habit of… how should I form this sentence? From the people that normally stay the night, I great them this way? I guess you understand. You don’t need to accept my apology. It’s my fault because I did notice you’re uncomfortable by -”</p><p>“Please don’t worry”, whispered Gabe.<br/>“I am uncomfortable but…”</p><p>Question marks were displayed in Fay’s eyes.<br/>“But?”</p><p>“This kiss… I don’t understand. It didn’t feel...as bad and wrong. My skin did not feel like it’s burning. I am uncomfortable, yes but you… make it feel less bad. I need to verify it. Could you… maybe kiss me on the cheek, again.”</p><p>Baffled Fay blinked at him.<br/>“Not where I thought this is going but I am for sure not complaining. Your skin is soft under my lips… and we are back to you blushing. Gosh, you are so adorable, Father.”</p><p>Shifting closer, laying his hand on the other cheek.<br/>Tender touch of his lips.<br/>Soft flow of air on the skin.<br/>Kiss of a butterfly.<br/>Sudden heat of blushing.<br/>Fay moved back, looked at the priest with closed eyes.<br/>Artistry he was not allowed to experience.<br/>Still, he wanted more.<br/>Observing the slightly opened lips.<br/>How would they feel on his?<br/>What was his taste?<br/>Forbidden lust.<br/>A hunger that could never be satisfied.</p><p>“Are you okay?”<br/>Wondering eyes gazing to the man who looked away embarrassed by the thoughts.<br/>Never will he be his.<br/>Fay needed to accept the fact.<br/>However, the pictures in his head and the beating heart disagreed with the rationality.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>For now the story won't be continued.<br/>I think about uploading the next three chapters that are done but only perhaps.<br/>If you have an opinion on the book or thoughts, leave them in the comments.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Memories of the morning troubled his mind.<br/>Why wasn’t it painful?<br/>What’s the reason behind it feeling… good?<br/>The selfish wish of wanting it again.<br/>State of trance projecting him away.<br/>Reliving the moment.<br/>Touch on his skin.<br/>The softness, tenderly and sleepy touch.<br/>Oh the touch of someone loving.</p><p>Only noticed by the shadows and ghosts someone entered the building.<br/>Paced down the aisle, stopped at the bench row behind the priest and sat down behind him.<br/>Unnoticed.<br/>So close.<br/>Listening precisely to the words.</p><p>“Dear God, what is wrong with me? My thoughts are filled with lewdness.<br/>I feel burdened by this sudden… lust, I guess. Lust, what a weird thing to say as someone taught to never feel exactly that. And with never being taught to understand those feelings, what am I supposed to do? I am unsure about meeting him again. I can't run away from these thoughts forever. This-”</p><p>A hand placed on his shoulder.<br/>He jumped off the bench and turned around in shock.<br/>Speaking of the ghost wandering around in his thoughts.<br/>Watching him precisely with a grin.<br/>Leaning over the bench.<br/>Close to him.</p><p>“Hello, dear Father”, sighed Fay with his look lowered to the priest who almost completely slid down the bench.</p><p>“Did you… you know, hear what I said?”</p><p>“Well, I heard you pray out loud and you talked about someone. We had a lot to do with each other in the past months, of course, I guess then it was me. If you don't mind me being a little narcissistic.”</p><p>“Yes”, uttered the priest. <br/>Clutching the wood of the bench to move up again.<br/>Amber eyes as piercing as always trying to lock with his.<br/>His glance shifted from every corner that he could look at without moving his head.<br/>Adding:”I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Oh no, don't worry. You will get over me, soon enough. Feelings happen unexpectedly.”</p><p>Gabe opened his mouth to answer yet his tongue was tied to a knot.<br/>Some deep breaths later the priest was capable again of speaking.<br/>His companion waited for him to continue.<br/>“And if not? I don't know if this is love I experience or my repressed sexual urges rising up because of you. Repressed interest or not. I'm a prisoner to those feelings.”</p><p>“Because of the sensation of liking a guy or your stupid book told you so? Or-”<br/>Moving closer to the priest who sat back down.<br/>“There's another reason. What is going on in the head of yours, Father?"<br/>His voice softened to the end.</p><p>The priest gulped down another knot.<br/>Fay was so close and he couldn’t move.<br/>Mellow breath against his skin giving him goosebumps.<br/>Pressing himself against the bench as Fay walked around it to him.<br/>Watching Gabe gasp looking… hurt or was it anxious?<br/>Ready for receiving pain.<br/>For a second Fay leaned his forehand against Gabe’s.<br/>Eyes closed, breath held, feeling the heat.<br/>Craving for the taste of Gabe’s lips when he opened his eyes again.<br/>Rose-tinted lips.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck, fuck, fuck. He looks so frightened. Why does he look cute? Like really cute. Am I attracted to scaring a cutie? Eww what, no. Okay, now he looks to my lips too… This is driving me crazy. Fuck.</em>
</p><p>Gabriel calmed down and closed his eyes again.<br/>Knowing, Fay had his eyes on him.<br/>This time he felt less afraid.<br/>No feeling of being a rabbit in the paws of a hungry wolf.<br/>Only two souls existing at the same time.<br/>His beating heart continued normally though he was in a discomforting situation.<br/>Alone with a man in church.<br/>A situation he never wanted to be in again.</p><p>Tenderly laying his hand on Gabe’s who didn't feel unsafe to his own surprise.<br/>Opening his eyes looking into the amber crystals.<br/>Without noticing himself he moved closer to his friend.<br/>Speaking from the innermost desire.<br/>Echoing through the room.<br/>“Can you kiss me?”</p><p>Simple, astounding announced.<br/>Widened eyes waited for the thinking process to end.<br/>Nearing, sensing breath on lips.<br/>There was no space for thoughts or shame.<br/>Exclusively the simple desire to experience.<br/>Fay leaned into the kiss.<br/>Gentle, expecting Gabe to have no experience but got surprised by how well he did.<br/>He felt so good.<br/>Felt the need to sink into the kiss and forget everything.<br/>His life, his problems.<br/>Just the feeling of sugary lips better than any sweets he'd ever eaten.<br/>The best treat and kiss.<br/>Nothing could beat this, he was sure of that.<br/>Wow.<br/>Was he sure of that? <br/>Fay has kissed many people before and this guy there, a priest, a forbidden fruit, was his best experience.<br/>A new addiction he couldn't indulge in.<br/>Should not indulge in.</p><p>“How… how do you feel?”, mumbled Fay.<br/>Breathless, aching lungs. <br/>Fill them with honey.<br/>Sticking, stinging pain and at the same time sweet.<br/>Surrendered to the smell of cedarwood and lavender.</p><p>“You smell good”, mouthed the priest against his neck.<br/>Inhaling the scent.<br/>Bathing his senses in it.<br/>Numbing all troubling thoughts.</p><p>Fay chuckled. <br/>“That was no answer, darling. Are you okay?”<br/>Looking up to worried eyes.<br/>He nodded to agree.<br/>Gabe was alright.</p><p>“You're pretty mean, you know, Gabriel.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>Sighing Fay leaned his head back.<br/>Looked at the ceiling and again to the baffled man.<br/>“Because you take my breath away.”</p><p>“Fay”, mumbled the priest.<br/>Focused on delicate lips.<br/>His forbidden pleasure.<br/>A secret to treasure.<br/>No words were needed for them to know they wanted more.</p><p>Both of them grew up in households where they learned to hear and exist with caution.<br/>Hairs on his neck rose up.<br/>A sensation like a storm was coming but it was a person.<br/>Bad luck attached.<br/>Their second kiss was short, not enough.<br/>They tasted nectar and longed for more.<br/>Softly caressing Gabe’s lower lip with his thumb.<br/>Noticed yearning desire in the priest's eyes.<br/>Words were whispered against Gabe’s ear.<br/>“Later, church boy.”</p><p>Before the door opened the young man started his speech.<br/>“This is the reason why I think that Eve was the first feminist and that’s why she got kicked out of Eden. Because men are rubbish. Again, your so-called all-loving, gracious God is rubbish too. You cannot change my mind, Father G.”</p><p>Gabe cleared his throat.<br/>Impressed by how swift his friend could change his behaviour.<br/>Footsteps sounded in the room.<br/>Loud, hollow high heels.<br/>Mrs Jenkins.<br/>The priest was able to detect her by the sound of the heels.<br/>What did that mean?<br/>Except it came in handy.</p><p>“Good afternoon, Father Skeldon and… you?”<br/>Her voice filled with hatred was amusing to the sinner. <br/>Fay responded:”Oh yes, it is I. The oh so scary artist, satanist and unholy living short king.”<br/>Mocking her with sarcasm.<br/>Her repulsed expression was worth the self-deprecation.<br/>Puffed chest, hateful eyes though his gleamed with joy.<br/>Before the situation could escalate, Gabe asked:” What is the reason for your arrival this evening, Mrs Jenkins?”</p><p>“I wanted to know if you have… started to work on the problem. It looks like you do, good. I have high hopes of you being successful as I'm not interested in useless priests in this town.”<br/>A last obnoxious glare that did not match the innocent smile.<br/>With clacking steps, she departed.</p><p>“Wow, what a bitch. I know it from experience and what you told me but wow. Can't she shut up? For real.”</p><p>“Yeah”, Gabriel sighed. “Do you want to elaborate on Eve, God and the feminism topic?"<br/>An adorable crooked smile lit upon his face.<br/>Fay couldn't help but grin.</p><p>“Yes, although not now. My opinion of men being rubbish remains the same.”<br/>Small smooch for his unhappy-looking friend.<br/>“You are the exception, love.”</p><p>The priest held him close once more.<br/>Resting his head on the shoulder of the one he was unsure about.<br/>His comforting smell surrounding him like a coat.</p><p>“Mhm? Do you want me to stay? One pat for no and two for yes.”<br/>Two pats on his back.<br/>“I sure can do. Though I thought we’d rather meet for tea. I should not disturb you longer from your work.”</p><p>Through the material of his top, he heard Gabe whisper.<br/>“Okay, but at midnight… can we…”</p><p>He planted a kiss on Gabe’s forehead.<br/>“Of course we can continue. If it feels good for you. It's fine to ask, Gabriel. Even when you feel ashamed.”<br/>Fondled adoring through the hair as a form of farewell.</p><p>An increasing amount of invisible judgemental stares on his back when the door fell shut.<br/>Wrapping his arms around himself as he noticed the room getting colder.<br/>His warmth has left.<br/>He was alone in a freezing setting.<br/>Hurrying to finish off soon was his plan.<br/>If he was concentrated on his to-do list there wouldn't be time for thoughts.<br/>Changing to go.<br/>Fay shall not wait too long for him.<br/>Cravings and fantasies back to back with repression in the back of his head.<br/>Gabe aspired to enjoy the affection as long as he could.<br/>The kiss of a sinner.<br/>Forbidden apple in garden Eden.<br/>He was rotten to the bones.<br/>Undeserving of affection.<br/>Suffer for all eternity in the hell you embrace.</p><p><br/>For the first time in years, he felt some sort of... greed.<br/>It was wrong and he should not fall into it but… why does he feel so alive?<br/>Weights on his back can’t decide to lift or stay.<br/>In Fay's flat, he felt secure, safe and appreciated.<br/>Fell in with the door, around his throat and kissed him as a hello.</p><p>"Wow, you really don't waste time, do you, church boy?"</p><p>The realisation of what he has done hit him in the guts.<br/>"I am so sorry- I... I don't actually understand. I just kissed you without any sort of thinking or asking before. I-"</p><p>"Shhh. Stop, listen. I will tell you as soon as I am uncomfortable. Alright, Father?"<br/>Tiny smooch on the tip of the nose.<br/>"Kissing sure now is exciting fun and new but the tea is fresh and hot. Let's drink that first and then I am yours to charm. Try yourself out on me."</p><p>With passing time the tension grew.<br/>The need to fulfil an open urge.<br/>New and ready to have the chance to live it out.<br/>Was it worth the pain and coming internal turmoil?<br/>Everything was time-bound?<br/>Why not?<br/>Why the hell not?<br/>Why shouldn’t he be happy for a couple of hours until he would fall back into the dark spot in his mind?<br/>Was he worth so few?<br/>Even for himself.<br/>To leave what he was forced into behind to be true to himself.<br/>For a bit.<br/>A fracture of the time he was chained to by anxiety.</p><p>Calmed down on the bed, waiting for Fay who has gone to the kitchen.<br/>Observing the posters on the walls.<br/>“Paper Kingdom, Pool of Bones, insomnia monsters, The Jawbreakers, Alchemy Kitchen, stages of sins and lust-”</p><p>Grinning watched Fay the priest looking at his band posters.<br/>Proudly he said:“My favourite bands except for Paper Kingdom which is an ep. The poster was free so I put it up. Oh, and stages isn’t a band that’s an album from insomnia monsters. Live so much better. I’d recommend them to you but I have no idea if you like punk or post-hardcore music.”</p><p>“Interesting, I think. What makes you think I wouldn’t like punk?”</p><p>“Stereotypes? You don’t really appear to be the type... Whatever screw it. This is me being an idiot. Please kiss me, I’m talking nonsense.”</p><p>Surprised he looked to Fay.<br/>Forgot his bluntness from before.<br/>Tender blush.</p><p>“Your bravery is gone, it seems. You don’t need to... Why are you looking at me like this?”</p><p>Proving himself that day his anxious voice could be quiet.<br/>Not for long though, which was clear to him too. <br/>Feeling Fay’s lips on his.<br/>Rush of serotonin.<br/>The greed in him wanted him intensely.<br/>Fay’s hands all over his body.<br/>Him being close, his taste and smell.<br/>Everything Gabe sensed and experienced.<br/>Taste of tea.<br/>Fay leaning into the kiss, hands grabbing his shirt, burying his fingers in it.<br/>Thirsting for something other than water.<br/>Numb brains knew nothing but longing sensation.</p><p>Panting they stopped.<br/>Their faces kept being centimetres apart.<br/>Breathing the same air, lips brushing over each other.<br/>Mumbling words into the next kiss.<br/>“Thank you.”</p><p>Slurred Fay asked:”For what? The kiss? Oh boy, you don’t get how much I enjoy this. I should thank you... Do you want to take a break? ”</p><p>Hesitantly Gabriel nodded.</p><p>“Cuddling? Would you like that after experiencing the exciting world of kissing, smooching or whatever other names exist.”</p><p>Holding onto one another laying on the bed.<br/>Enticed glances, tired smiles.<br/>They lost themselves in eyes, mirrors, treasures behind closed doors.</p><p>“Do you know how beautiful you are?”, mumbled Fay against his lips.<br/>Stealing away a kiss and no answer.</p><p>“I can’t say anything about my beauty. There is nothing special about me.”</p><p>The answer got a chuckle from Fay’s side.<br/>“You really are adorable, love. I can make you a list of everything that makes you beautiful in my eyes. Paint you in colours I think of when I see you, your star eyes radiating moonlight. Want an example? You look to die for cute blushing as you do right now. ”</p><p>Fay was able to watch the priest melt with every word he said.<br/>Melt into his arms and bury his face into his hoodie.<br/>“Would you like to tell me more about insomnia monsters?”</p><p>“Is this your way to get out of an embarrassing situation? I ain’t complaining. I love this band. With what can I start?... Yeah, uhm, they were a four-member band for a couple of years until they kicked out the vocalist for being a dick. Totally understandable, he is pretty rude and seldom sober-”</p><p>“Wait what? Really?”</p><p>“Yeah, he liked to get drunk, being an ass and hooking up in clubs. Got no more daddy’s cash and shit and lived for a couple of years with the rest of the band in a two and a half room flat-”</p><p>“My question about it is more how you know that?”</p><p><br/>“Well first of all information like this goes batshit on the internet and second of all uhm… I have hooked up with Vance the dick after a show… Well I am still unsure if I regret this night or not”, he laughed.<br/>“But gosh, neither can I decide what was the best part of all. The next morning when Ciro asked me if I wanted to join breakfast, befriending them, seeing them live or having the fanfiction moment of my life... And getting disappointed by him being a rude ass the next morning as if he forgot he hooked up with a guy and not a cute girl. So much more true to himself when drunk. Confessing to me he likes to fuck guys but is anxious about talking about the option. No excuse for the way he treated me later. Wanna hear more?”</p><p>“Absolutely”, replied the priest invested in the events.</p><p>“Sure. The other three guys of the band, all very talented dudes, were so nice and welcoming though I had this one night stand with their friend. We hung out a bit, exchanged numbers and talked about music. I even got to meet their songwriter who is an awesome and friendly person. They were pretty cute and are also the reason why the band was finally able to perform better. While spending time with them I got the feeling two of them were especially close. In the way of, gosh darn my gaydar is ringing intensely.”<br/>He chuckled thinking of that day.<br/>Missing the talks and sitting on the floor in the chaos.<br/>“I should message them some time again. It was pretty great then. Back to explain how they lived in a small flat. They had bunk beds. I can imagine after being friends with him for so long and him not wanting to earn any money they kicked him out. Can’t complain because Souma’s voice is better anyway. I don’t know if that is the exact reason but I can ask. That’s it except you want me to explain the lore of ‘stages of sins and lust’.”</p><p>“No, no, I am fine. Got a lot of information about this to process anyway. This was interesting. Thank you for sharing this with me.”<br/>Planting a kiss on Fay’s lips, smiling.</p><p>“Jealous?”, asked the long-haired guy smirking.</p><p>“Not so much. You are here with me now. Not him.”</p><p>“Smooth, Gabe, smooth.”</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> <br/>
“Father Gabriel, why are you in a good mood today?”<br/>
 <br/>
“Oh well, I slept a bit more than usual and that helped with my mood… To go back to earlier. I hope you don’t mind the polls.”<br/>
 <br/>
The group of teens denied.<br/>
It was alright for them and they couldn’t understand why the church would even open that early.<br/>
 <br/>
“How are you feeling? Are you okay with the things we talk about? Any wishes?”<br/>
 <br/>
Internalised homophobia, misogyny and transphobia were the biggest things he tackled.<br/>
Also antisemitism and other so-called phobias against people.<br/>
Sad excuses for stupid people.<br/>
Racism was hard to talk about in that town.<br/>
Nobody liked foreigners that much and prefered picked white fences with white owners.<br/>
Most of the issues were able to be resolved with the youth.<br/>
Through teaching, videos and discussions.<br/>
Gabriel was glad about being able to help out making them better people.<br/>
Giving girls the option to learn how to stand up for themselves and guys to feel.<br/>
He saw himself in their insecurities.<br/>
Not able to handle them himself.<br/>
Making them better than he was or could be.<br/>
 <br/>
Looking around in the group Gabe caught Laurence's anxious stare.<br/>
Directly staring at the priest and back to Poppy, back and forth.<br/>
 <br/>
“Are you okay, Laurence? Do you maybe have something to say or ask?”<br/>
 <br/>
Everyone turned to him.<br/>
Sweat drops ran down his face.<br/>
 <br/>
“I… I wanted to know what God thinks about pregnancy or abortion. You know how it is usually taught… You seem more chill and I’d like to know your opinion too.”<br/>
 <br/>
Curious faces turned to Gabe.<br/>
A hot topic not talked about enough.<br/>
 <br/>
“First of all, before I say what the bible says, we must consider that times have changed. In some ways for the better and in other ways… Uhm… you get what I mean. Not everything is still fitting for our time, keep that in mind. Abortion has happened every time in some sort. The definition has changed though. Failed pregnancies happened too and not all were natural. Pro-lifers love to use  Didache. "Do not murder a child by abortion or kill a newborn infant". And Tertullian says that abortion should be conducted only in situations in which irregular positioning of the fetus in the womb would risk the life of the pregnant woman. The question then would be. Can the mother provide a good life? Is she ready? Does she even want a child? All things people like to forget as well as rape victims. It is a hard topic, yes.”<br/>
 <br/>
Glancing to the leg fidgeting young man.<br/>
 <br/>
“The foster care system is... nothing I would wish a child to go through. Please consider these things before thinking about having a child. But… but next to all these things, accidents can happen. God… God wouldn’t be mad if you get an abortion as he knows you will know best in the end and he wants you to be happy. You are your own person. The bible is both a book of rules and a guide. It does not need to be your life. Your belief can be enough and you find your way. “<br/>
 <br/>
His group had stayed quiet during his monologue.<br/>
No chewing gum sound which was normal background noise.<br/>
Did he scare them?<br/>
Should he continue?<br/>
He wasn’t done yet.<br/>
 <br/>
“Pregnancy”, he started, observing Poppys wide-eyed look on him.<br/>
 <br/>
“Is difficult. He says to stay away from immorality and sexual urges. The husband owns the wife’s body and vice versa. God does know himself as he made humans that hormones are unpredictable. You are young, have fun but know your limits. Don’t be reckless and make a mistake that could have been avoided. Just take care, ok? Every one of you should know by now about protection. So use the condom that won’t take that long. Is the answer alright for you, Laurence?”<br/>
 <br/>
Agreeing he moved his head up and down.<br/>
Discomfort in the room lessened.<br/>
It was the end of that day's meeting.<br/>
The teens left, saying goodbye to their friends and Gabe.<br/>
Leaving the room in the back of the church that resembled to be like a magic house that looked smaller.<br/>
Surprising with the amount of space inside.<br/>
The town's church was the same.<br/>
An office, a conference room where they had their meetings and a kitchen too.<br/>
In a small building, next to all church essentials.<br/>
Romeo and Juliet as the couple were called, were the last to go home.<br/>
Hesitant looks exchanged between the two.<br/>
 <br/>
“Can I do something for you?”<br/>
 <br/>
They looked at each other again, nodded.<br/>
 <br/>
“No, everything is alright.”<br/>
 <br/>
“Oh ok, have a blessed day.”<br/>
 <br/>
“You too, Father Gabriel”, said Poppy and they left.<br/>
 <br/>
Leaving him with wandering thoughts.<br/>
Some ideas are more plausible than others.<br/>
Was she pregnant?<br/>
Most likely yes.<br/>
Did the parents know?<br/>
Of course not.<br/>
Laurence wasn't their ideal future son in law.<br/>
If he was able to marry her in case they would find out is another good question.<br/>
This was not his problem, he reminded himself.<br/>
The moment they told him though it would be his too.<br/>
They might tell him the truth at some point but for now, he will not think into it too much.<br/>
 <br/>
<em>Shouldn’t they know better anyway?</em><br/>
 <br/>
Schools had sex education and they did know what safer sex was.<br/>
The internet existed too.<br/>
Again, he remembered his own words.<br/>
 <br/>
<em>Accidents can happen.</em><br/>
 <br/>
Nevermind, don’t bother yourself with the problems of others.<br/>
His questions linger longer within Gabe’s mind than he would have wanted.<br/>
Staying with him at dinner.<br/>
Not leaving the conscious working head.<br/>
Valerie and Fay realised his absent mind.<br/>
 <br/>
“Is everything okay, love”, asked Valerie.<br/>
 <br/>
Meeting tired eyes and a yawn explained to her partly what was wrong.<br/>
 <br/>
“Do you sleep enough?”<br/>
 <br/>
“Last night he did”, mumbled Fay into his tea, grinning about his comment.<br/>
 <br/>
“Did you say anything, Fay?”<br/>
 <br/>
Eyebrow raised she looked at him.<br/>
Noticing the blush on Gabriel’s cheeks and Fay’s smile.<br/>
 <br/>
“Have I missed out on any news?”, she smiled.<br/>
 <br/>
“I don’t think so, Val. We just drink a lot of tea at midnight, that's all.”<br/>
 <br/>
Her look went back and forth between them.<br/>
A knowing smile appeared on her lips.<br/>
 <br/>
“Alright, alright kids, but don’t forget to sleep.”<br/>
 <br/>
“Valerie, what are you thinking?”, laughed Fay.<br/>
 <br/>
“I’m not gonna touch the priest.”<br/>
 <br/>
Quietly he added, for himself:”Not this way.”<br/>
 <br/>
Sharing chuckles of embarrassment and glances.<br/>
 <br/>
“Thank you for helping me with cooking today, Fay. You are a great cook.”<br/>
 <br/>
“Val, stop, I am not that good”, grumbled the artist.<br/>
 <br/>
Pouting about the compliment led to teasing from the landlady’s side and chuckles from Gabe.<br/>
 <br/>
“Of course you enjoy it, Father”, purred Fay and winked at him.<br/>
 <br/>
A round of teasing.<br/>
Fun of friendship and a found family.<br/>
Charme of the company on cold nights.<br/>
Laughing over old stories of Valerie and her husband she lost around seven years ago.<br/>
The tender way she talked about her spouse warmed the hearts of the young men.<br/>
Losing someone as dearly as he was to her.<br/>
Heartbreaking to think of.<br/>
They were the definition of twin flames.<br/>
Found in the dark, lit up each other's world.<br/>
Her voice saddened with every memory she showed them.<br/>
Ending in Fay hugging her as she softly grieved and whispered his name in the silence of the room.<br/>
Gabriel felt burdened when he sat there not able to move.<br/>
Watching the tears run dry.<br/>
Grief of loss.<br/>
Has he lost someone before he has loved this much?<br/>
Was there more than the loss of life and childhood he has experienced?<br/>
Did he live?<br/>
Alive in a broken shell, a marionette.<br/>
Out of space disturbing the comforting ways, they spoke to each other.<br/>
Would he ever feel safe enough?<br/>
Noiseless room drove him insane.<br/>
Creeping up his back.<br/>
Cold walls and colder shadows.<br/>
The feeling of guilt from before hasn't been washed away yet.<br/>
 <br/>
Wasn't he a priest?<br/>
Shouldn't he be of help when someone grieves?<br/>
View fading behind his eyes.<br/>
Watching them on a vintage cinema screen.<br/>
Again and again.<br/>
Whirring sounds echoing in his ears.<br/>
Shutting up everything in him but this movie scene.<br/>
Sleep was no option.<br/>
Wide awake stares at the ceiling.<br/>
The blackout from the repeating didn't take that long.<br/>
Sinking in a bed of cotton.<br/>
Was it cotton?<br/>
Soft… feathers?<br/>
Feathers?<br/>
Ripping open his eyes to see nothing but white.<br/>
 <br/>
“You’re awake, love.”<br/>
 <br/>
Joyful voice.<br/>
Familiar sound.<br/>
It couldn’t be him.<br/>
No.<br/>
Turning around to the owner of the voice.<br/>
Halo surrounding his head, an aura of light and a smile so bright.<br/>
Was it Fay he looked at, an angel or the painting?<br/>
Could it be all three?<br/>
Blend of perfection.<br/>
 <br/>
“I’ve waited for you, Gabriel.”<br/>
 <br/>
Did he hear the mesmerising voice correctly?<br/>
Did he wait… for him?<br/>
Captured with one of the enormous wings of the angel before he could fall.<br/>
Comfortable, warm, homey.<br/>
 <br/>
“Are you… sure?”<br/>
 <br/>
“Of what, darling?”<br/>
 <br/>
“That you… waited for me.”<br/>
 <br/>
His smile got softer with Gabriel’s voice getting quieter.<br/>
Holding out his hand for the priest to take.<br/>
Doubtful he took the hand.<br/>
A bolt of warmth dashed through his body.<br/>
Weighty feeling of tenderness.<br/>
 <br/>
“I have waited for a long time, love. Unfortunately, it's not for a happy reason. I need to warn you. I am unsure how long-term it’ll be but the next time will be stressful. Not only stressful but you will as well question yourself and him more. Trust yourself, your judgement and the people around you. You can and will find a way.”<br/>
 <br/>
Baffled Gabe held onto the hand, looked the painting in the gems of eyes, hypnotised.<br/>
Words.<br/>
What were words for his simple mind?<br/>
Spoken runes he could not understand.<br/>
Foreign language.<br/>
 <br/>
“A storm is coming. Be aware of the first signs. Wind and branches will break down to your feet and the smell of rain will open your eyes. Calm before the storm. An avalanche of incidents… Just… be careful, okay?”<br/>
 <br/>
High temperature of cosiness switched with the coldness of his room.<br/>
Waking up covered in a cold sweat.<br/>
Huffing with a sprinting heart and the uneasiness of not understanding.<br/>
Storm?<br/>
Avalanche?<br/>
What did he want from him?<br/>
Gabriel couldn’t understand him and not even after pondering about the meaning.<br/>
Yes, he has heard the being and also something in his brain deciphered it but processing was on hold.<br/>
Did the shadows come near?<br/>
Darkened and had eyes watching him, sensing every uneasy breath he took.<br/>
Phantoms of his overanxious mind?<br/>
That room would not let him sleep that night.<br/>
Sure of that he left, walked up the stairs to Fay and knocked.<br/>
 <br/>
“Uhm...Hi?”<br/>
Perplexed by the late visit he leaned against the door frame.<br/>
 <br/>
“Can I come in?”<br/>
 <br/>
“Sure, of course.”<br/>
 <br/>
Fay gestured the way to his room, following the priest after closing the door.<br/>
Hiding under the warmth of the blanket he stared at the computer screen.<br/>
Waves crashing against a cliff.<br/>
Another commission?<br/>
The moon softly reflected its light on the water.<br/>
Beautiful.<br/>
Capturing the essence of stillness.<br/>
 <br/>
“Are you okay?”<br/>
 <br/>
“Could I get a hug before we talk?”<br/>
 <br/>
Smiling, he sat down next to Gabriel.<br/>
 <br/>
“May I join you under the blanket, Father?”<br/>
 <br/>
“You may.”<br/>
 <br/>
Leaning against his shoulder, feeling the fluffiness on his skin.<br/>
Warmth of bodies.<br/>
Fay followed his look to the screen.<br/>
 <br/>
"I love the sea, you know. The sea, the night and stillness. It has been a while since I drew something for myself. Kind of a treat I'd say."<br/>
 <br/>
"Beautiful", mumbled Gabe.<br/>
 <br/>
He left a kiss on Fay's head.<br/>
 <br/>
"You did well."<br/>
 <br/>
Smiling the proud artist added: "Not as beautiful as you are. You would look good as a painting."<br/>
 <br/>
Gabe's smile vanished.<br/>
 <br/>
"Did I say something wrong?"<br/>
 <br/>
"No, I... I had some sort of dream and... you were there, in some way. At the same time not. You... well you remind me of a painting I once saw in a museum and there was a guy in my dream and he looked like you and the art."<br/>
 <br/>
"Oh, okay. Do you want to talk about it?"<br/>
 <br/>
Shaking his head he indicated a no.<br/>
Feeling Fay leaning against his chest, he held close onto him.<br/>
Was this still part of the dream and his friend could leave any moment?<br/>
Flying away.<br/>
Far, unseen, out of sight.<br/>
The long-haired man noticed the shivering of tension in his body.<br/>
Turned to Gabe, loosened the grip and hugged him.<br/>
Changing to laying on the bed, listening to the sound of rain and a clock ticking in the background.<br/>
Taking their time to breathe, listening to hearts beating and breaths being taken.<br/>
In Fay's arms, he felt safe, his flat was warm, the quiet was no static sounds in his ears.<br/>
 <br/>
"Could you tell me about your day?"<br/>
 <br/>
"Sure thing, love. Not ready yourself, yet?"<br/>
 <br/>
Unsaid words were enough.<br/>
 <br/>
"I told you about this band, you remember?"<br/>
 <br/>
Quietly mumbled the priest a yes.<br/>
 <br/>
"I called them or better said Nio who surprisingly hasn't changed their number. So yeah, we caught up on news and stuff. They said they were happy to hear from me. Now, I'm in a group chat with the band and texted with them this evening before cooking for us all. It was great. We planned on having a video chat soon and not lose contact. Overall a successful day. Actually, I thought they would have forgotten about me or whatever. That's why it surprised me but hey, I've got cool new friends."<br/>
 <br/>
Grinning he ended his news of the day.<br/>
 <br/>
"I'm happy for you ", yawned the priest against his shoulder.<br/>
 <br/>
Eyelids fluttering like butterflies, unable to focus.<br/>
Sleep was mandatory yet he was robbed of that for the night.<br/>
 <br/>
"Was it maybe more of  a nightmare than a dream?"<br/>
 <br/>
The priest nod.<br/>
 <br/>
"Oh love, I am sorry to hear so. You know my door is always open for you. To remind you. And I'm happy you chose to come here"<br/>
 <br/>
"I know, Fay. Thank you."<br/>
 <br/>
"No problem. If you want to talk  about it, go ahead."<br/>
 <br/>
Looking at the clock he knew it was time to go.<br/>
 <br/>
"It's okay. Maybe later. I'll go for a run, bye."<br/>
 <br/>
A kiss goodbye.<br/>
Short touch leading to a longing feeling for more.<br/>
 <br/>
"See you later, darling."<br/>
 <br/>
Thoughts wandered from ideas to sentences and words.<br/>
Memories, guesses and horrors.<br/>
Running circles and stopping at the same point he started at.<br/>
What could happen so bad?<br/>
Was it an omen to him?<br/>
A divine messenger warning him?<br/>
Time would be the greatest help to know if yes or no though his patience was short.<br/>
He hated surprises and happenings he could not calculate.<br/>
All his life he knew what would happen if he took a certain step.<br/>
Doom and punishment.<br/>
Staying in line, live in favour of them and don't mess up.<br/>
And he did mess up.<br/>
Tremendously.<br/>
Black sheep, you can always run but never escape the shadows.<br/>
 <br/>
Going over his work, he noticed the robotic ways he worked.<br/>
Part of his system and mind.<br/>
Autopilot is enough to be productive while he fought his mind behind curtains.<br/>
Enough, enough, enough.<br/>
When did he stop being enough?<br/>
What was the reason he fell out of line?<br/>
Could he see the day behind the fog of repression?<br/>
The sensation of acid on his skin and disgust in his mouth<br/>
His hands.<br/>
They were trembling slightly by the thought of that day.<br/>
Change of being holy to sinful.<br/>
The wrong step.<br/>
It was his fault.<br/>
After all, he took the step and got pulled out of line.<br/>
Laying on the table next to him was his phone.<br/>
The sound of his ringtone shook him awake out of the state of no realisation.<br/>
If he was honest he'd love to not take the call.<br/>
It meant nothing good if his phone was ringing.<br/>
Yet, nobody called him.<br/>
Except for his sister and... mother.<br/>
Holding the phone in his hand and taking the call resembled touching nettles.<br/>
 <br/>
"Hello?"<br/>
 <br/>
"Good morning, Gabriel. With this call, I am informing you that your sister and I will come by for a checkup, tomorrow. Be prepared and don't make a fool of yourself. Goodbye."<br/>
 <br/>
The call took less than 45 seconds nonetheless it left him shaking.<br/>
He hasn't missed the sound of her voice.<br/>
 <br/>
<em>Mother.</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello dear reader, I'd like to know your opinion on the story. If you have time leave a comment</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning: Self blame, body dysmorphia, panic attack, depersonalization</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emptiness fed off him.<br/>Time disappeared into a spiral of nothingness.<br/>He had finished his tasks for the day.<br/>A robot controlled by his directions.<br/>No thoughts in his head.<br/>Numbed out by ghosts of experiences of the past.<br/>His existence lost in a consuming mist.<br/>As he took the first step inside he realised he was back in Valerie's house.<br/>Records of the day didn't exist in the logbook of his brain.<br/>Just as it never occurred in the first place.<br/>Deception of his mind for comfort.<br/>Pillow made with nettles.<br/>At some point, he'd get hurt.<br/>It did not matter how long he would want to ignore the truth.<br/>Pain would be inevitable.</p><p>Roaming through his flat he could not find any peace.<br/>Should he leave for another run?<br/>Great idea if he had the strength to come afterwards and not run away.<br/>After an hour he heard knocking at his door.</p><p>“Is everything okay, Father Gabriel? You did not come to dinner. I brought you-”</p><p><br/>“I am not hungry but thank you, Valerie.”<br/>Before he could close the door again she asked:”Are you sure? I could give it-”</p><p>“Don’t worry. I am… I am alright. Tired from the day and I ate earlier. I wish you a good night.”</p><p>He closed the door after finishing talking.<br/>Observing the sounds in front of his door.<br/>Holding his breath until she departed and walked down to her flat.</p><p>The mirror in his bathroom called him.<br/>His reflection made fun of him.<br/>Joked about his incompetence.<br/>Laughed and pointed out his insecurities.<br/>Skeleton boy, man.<br/>Bones showing under layers of skin.<br/>Ribs showing off.<br/>Food your enemy.<br/>Mirrors the villain.<br/>The cloth he used to cover the mirror with has fallen off onto the sink.<br/>Staring into his reflection.<br/>Could he switch places with the mad man yelling at him?<br/>Didn’t he want to be him so bad?<br/>Change him until he was nothing but a corpse in the dirt.</p><p>Skin feeling similar to ice.<br/>Dull eyes searching for something in the reflection he'd like.<br/>Of course, he saw zero.<br/>Watercolour eyes that Fay liked a lot were dirty rain puddles to him.<br/>Why was he beautiful to him?<br/>Gabriel was insignificant.<br/>A skeleton wearing unfitting skin.<br/>Born into a burdening tradition.<br/>Weights he wore on his back.</p><p>“Remember”, the illusion of him shouted.<br/>“Remember asshole. It is all your fault. Every goddamn thing that went wrong. It is your fault he did this to you. Only your fault everybody turns their back to you. All is your fault. Just die already.”</p><p>Sharp words carving into his skin.<br/>It was his voice shouting, his looks staring at him and laughing.<br/>Things he has heard before.<br/>From his parents, the church members, his sister.<br/>The ones he thought he could trust.<br/>Break the trust.<br/>Leave behind a scarring wound, easily ripped open with a slight touch.<br/>Could he ever trust anybody again?<br/>Did he trust them?<br/>Valerie, Daisy and Fay.<br/>Was this trust?<br/>What could it be?</p><p>His legs gave in and the floor greeted him harshly.<br/>Vision darkened and lungs tightened empty.<br/>Where was the air he inhaled?<br/>Inhaled, exhaled, holding the breath.<br/>Nothing.<br/>No air was reaching down.<br/>Choking on emptiness.<br/>More tightness.<br/>Screaming, aching stomach.<br/>Tangling, unwrapping, stretching.<br/>Choking, getting choked, no more feeling in the throat.<br/>Stuffed, stuck and he could not reach down his throat.<br/>Tears burning into his skin.<br/>Salty pearls taste on his lips.<br/>Muscles tensed up, cramped and hurt.<br/>Reacting to phantom touches on his skin.<br/>Poison marks followed the touches.<br/>His body was on fire and drowned in the fog trying to overshadow all.<br/>Marshmallow was thrown into an active volcano.<br/>It would burn.<br/>He was burning and no condensed water could quench the flames of the snakes.<br/>Around his ribcage, they grabbed and tightened.<br/>Aching ribs.<br/>Would they break under the pressure?<br/>Will he break?</p><p>Muffled knocking startled his mind.<br/>Moaning of pain as he hit his head at the cabinet space.  <br/>He wanted to stand up, move but he couldn't.<br/>Feeling remorse as the knocks stopped.<br/>Valerie or Fay?<br/>Unable to detect the sounds of footsteps.<br/>Laying some more on the floor.<br/>Tiles cooling his heating skin.<br/>Huffing exhausted.<br/>After some time the weight on his body lifted, the tightness loosened up.<br/>If someone was to ask him how much time has passed he could not answer.<br/>One hour, 30 minutes or more?<br/>Reality did not feel real.<br/>His body was him and not.<br/>Out of body experience blurring the lines of existence.<br/>Was this him, his life and reality?<br/>That disgusting meat suit?<br/>Tingling feeling of bugs crawling under his skin.<br/>Eating his flesh and bones, organs and muscles.<br/>A meal to feast on.<br/>Not enough.<br/>Skin and bones.</p><p>Comatose sleep capturing him with unconsciousness.<br/>Falling into a sightless dream.<br/>Waking up on cold tiles in a lit bathroom.<br/>Bathroom lights blinding him.<br/>Reddened eyes and pale skin acknowledged his awakening of the happenings from the day before.<br/>Freezing, exhausted, his body ached.<br/>She did not say in the call where she would go or when she would come.<br/>Goosebumps crept up his back.<br/>Stumbling, he went to his room, checked the clock.<br/>Four am.<br/>He would not sleep.<br/>Exhaustion changed to adrenaline.<br/>Fear of meeting her.<br/>His sister would be no comfort.<br/>Never knowing what was going on in her head.</p><p>She was a mystery to him.<br/>A shadow of their mother but blurry, grey, foggy.<br/>Not exactly like her which was not of their mother's liking.<br/>Their mother wanted a picture-perfect family.<br/>Following a tradition so painful to those who need to follow it.<br/>If you don't fit in you'll be formed.<br/>His sister Catherine was wax.<br/>You don't need much force to form it to your liking.<br/>And Gabriel?<br/>Gabriel did not know.<br/>Paper perhaps?<br/>You can fold it, form it but not every paper would stay in the same place.<br/>Be careful while folding because if not it won't stay together.<br/>Badly constructed origami.<br/>He wasn't able to hold himself together.</p><p>Shivering he took his running clothes out of the closet.<br/>Touching his cold skin shocked his nerves.<br/>Pale skin, maybe even white.<br/>Could he ever enjoy summer?<br/>Quietly he walked down the stairs.<br/>Master of hiding his steps, his existence.<br/>Nobody shall notice him.<br/>It was better this way.<br/>The cold air felt amazing on his face.<br/>Silent nature, no one was outside but him.<br/>Forest lives waking up gradually and the animals on the hills did too.<br/>Was he awake?</p><p>Back at the house, his gaze stayed at Fay's open window.<br/>The artist was not there.<br/>Of course.<br/>Gabriel missed him and his warmth.<br/>Numbness was back and so was the feeling of not being alive.<br/>Not a human but a tool.<br/>In his flat, he changed and waited.<br/>Sensed time passing slowly.<br/>He caught himself staring at the cross at the wall and the clock.<br/>Fidgeting his legs and hands.<br/>Tensing up and having no voice the closer the clock turned to six am.<br/>On-time at six am he noticed his stomach drop and the urge to vomit.<br/>She was there.<br/>A minute later the bell rang.</p><p>Every step down the stairs and his body rejected to move more.<br/>Heart beating, pounding wild in his chest.<br/>It would be no surprise if it stopped or jumped out of his body to flee.<br/>Fleeing sounded nice.<br/>Away from her and the iciness in her stare.<br/>At the door she awaited him.<br/>In all her glory dressed in monotone tones.<br/>Firm tied hair, thin, sharp glasses and a glare frosty.<br/>Was she his mother or a nightmare?<br/>Catherine stood next to her as the enigma she was.<br/>She seemed tired under the neutral look on her face.<br/>He hasn’t missed them and has not thought of them in some time either.</p><p>“Good morning, mother... and to you too, Catherine.”</p><p>“Good-”<br/>Their mother cut her off.</p><p>“Let us not waste any time.”</p><p><br/>Valerie closed the curtains in the kitchen.<br/>Sat back next to Fay who laid with his face on the table.</p><p>“Have you slept?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“I thought so”, she mumbled.<br/>“You smell of booze.”</p><p>He chuckled. “I hoped you wouldn’t notice. But you are a bloodhound, Val.”</p><p>“Is it because you are worried about him? I am too, you don't worry alone.”</p><p>“No, yes, maybe.”<br/>He gazed to the ceiling.<br/>“The closed door. Everything being so quiet and this gut feeling I could not let go of. This… Just reminded me of my uncle… When I found him.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Should I leave you alone?”</p><p>“I am in your flat, wouldn’t that be rude? I’ll leave.”</p><p>She held his arm, stopped him from leaving and he sat down.<br/>The silence continued.<br/>Comfortable silence for the uncomfortable.</p><p>“What do you think happened yesterday?”, asked Valerie the silence.</p><p>“I have no idea. Got no chance to talk to him. Knocked at his door but neither did he answer nor did I hear anything. I need to add that I saw him shortly.”</p><p>“When?”</p><p>“This morning. Two women stood at the door and he seemingly knew them but from what I saw he did not look happy to see them. I don’t know.”<br/>Fay sighed.</p><p>“Well”, the landlady said, “Shall we ask him later? Speculating does not work out. We do not know enough about him to guess. I tried to talk to him but he brushed me off rather uncommonly. He seemed stressed and unwell but I did not want to cause him more trouble with my presence. Now I feel bad that I didn’t try harder.”</p><p>Fay wanted to mention something as they heard a knock from the door.<br/>Gabriel stood before the door , perhaps even hung at the door knob.<br/>Scared cat, deer in headlights and sad dog.<br/>He looked more than exhausted.<br/>Dead.<br/>A step inside and he fell.<br/>Stumbled over his feet, saw his vision blur.<br/>Ending up in Fay’s arms.<br/>They did not know how to react.<br/>Their priest, a man they adored, broken down in Fay's arms.<br/>What has happened to leave him sobbing?<br/>Exhausted to the bones.<br/>Cold hands holding onto Fay.<br/>Puffy eyes and red cheeks. <br/>How long has he been crying?<br/>Did he cry before already?<br/>The shock lifted and Valerie got tissues to dry the tears</p><p>"Are you okay? Hey, Gabe, can you look at me?"</p><p>Fay lifted Gabe's head with his finger tips.<br/>The curtains were opened and he saw the pain only a parent could manage to do.<br/>Scared eyes, pain.<br/>He held onto Fay as if he was his life saviour, the only one who could get him out of the fog.</p><p>“Shh it's okay. I'm here with you. We are here with you. You are safe.”</p><p>The warmth calmed down the sobbing of unintelligible words</p><p>“I'm sorry”, he mumbled between the sloppy sounds of crying<br/>“I'm sorry for everything. It's my fault”, Fay heard as the last thing before Gabe went silent.</p><p>Fay took a deep breath, held him tightly to not let him fall to the floor.</p><p>“Is he ok?”</p><p>“Yes, but could you help me sit him down on the chair?”</p><p>Sitting on the chair he kept his head down low.<br/>Looked at his feet.<br/>The trembling was less.<br/>His friend held his hand, kept the grip tight.<br/>Kept him in the present.<br/>Safe, warm, soft.<br/>A hand to guide, a hand to keep him on the way.<br/>Lost way, fell off the right path.<br/>Where was he?<br/>Which path was he on?<br/>Track to hell or the garden of paradise.<br/>Was this hand he held the snake and all the comfort he received the apple?<br/>His doom?</p><p>“Would you like tea?”, asked him a worried Mrs Patton.</p><p>Another shake of the head.</p><p>“Oh ok, when you are ready to talk, you can.”</p><p>He knew.<br/>Perhaps that was the reason why he went to them and not to his flat.<br/>Was he ready to talk about why he was this mess?<br/>Did he know?<br/>Could he explain or would he get shut down like usually?<br/>Shut down, shut up, swallow down your poison.<br/>Ache in his throat, ache in his head.<br/>He felt Fays hand pressing against his a bit tighter from time to time.<br/>Pressure to distract him?</p><p>“Would you mind if I go up with him to my flat? I don’t think he will talk now and he seems exhausted.”</p><p>A troubled gaze over the priest.<br/>“Alright, but take good care of him. Is that ok for you, Father Gabriel?”</p><p>He nodded and they left for the staircase.<br/>Step for step up.  <br/>Every step felt too much.<br/>Stopped at his flat.</p><p>“Should we rather go here than my flat?”, he asked the priest who shook his head instantly.<br/>“Good, then let's take the last steps.”</p><p>In Fay's room, Gabriel dropped on the bed.<br/>Into the blankets and pillows.<br/>He wished to suffocate in them and their comfort.<br/>Safeness before the end sounded nice.<br/>Next to him sank down the mattress a bit, Fay has laid down next to him.<br/>Neither of them moved or made a sound.<br/>Stayed in the same position until Fay asked:”Do you want to talk or sleep? My guess is you shut down as a response to panic or discomfort. My hand is next to yours. If you like to sleep, tap once and talk tap twice.”</p><p><br/>One tap on his hand.</p><p>“If you want me to hold you, one tap for yes and two for no.”</p><p>One more tap on Fay’s hand.</p><p>“But”, said Fay and moved up to go to his closet.<br/>“You, my cutie pie, need some other clothes to sleep in, Ok?”<br/>He took out some clothes and laid them next to Gabriel.<br/>“I’ll leave the room. Take your time.”</p><p>Gabriel had no words to protest with.<br/>The clothes Fay has chosen for him fit surprisingly well.<br/>His hoodie was even too big for the priest.<br/>Was it for him? <br/>It would look like a dress on Fay but on him like a normal oversize hoodie.<br/>Warm and smelling like his peace.<br/>Speaking of the peace that peeked inside.</p><p>“Are you do- Oh…”</p><p>Frozen Gabriel looked at him yet he could not figure out what kind of reaction Fay had who stepped closer to him.<br/>Closer until he stood before him, looking up with a hard to figure out look.<br/>Nervous Gabe swallowed down a knot.<br/>The words next spoken made no sense in his ears. <br/>He had guessed to look like a clown, unformed figure under layers.</p><p>“You look so incredibly adorable, my love.”</p><p>Were those heart eyes?<br/>A sparkle, a light, full of admiration.<br/>Soft smile and soft look.<br/>What was this?</p><p>Not much later they laid again on the bed.<br/>Gabriel had his head positioned on Fays chest, who held me close, dearly.<br/>Left kisses on his head and hummed a melody familiar.<br/>Deep down integrated in his memory of happiness.<br/>Did Gabe leave an impact on him that triggered a memory that deep down in his landfill life?<br/>He hopefully never found out about the bottles hiding under the bed.<br/>Could he smell the alcohol in his breath?<br/>It shouldn’t be too obvious, should it?</p><p>“Everything will be okay, darling. You are not alone. You are safe in my arms and nobody can harm you.”</p><p>Fay noticed the calm breathing and the closed eyes.</p><p>“Whatever happened today”, he mumbled into the dark. “We won’t leave you to fight this alone.”</p><p><br/>  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
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